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  • Personality test results

    by Kismet hardy
    16th September, 2006 at 10:47 pm    

    Mostly As
    You are JONZ
    Pickled Patriot :: This is your country and, while you’ve sat back and resisted teeth curbing the endless stream of foreigners that come over here and fill the air with the stench of paprika and akki fish, you’re no longer prepared to accept that your life is now in danger thanks to the thousands upon thousands of sleeper cells dotted all across the country planning to eliminate your kind any second now. You base your political leanings on the editorial comment and letters page of The Sun and, when you’re feeling slightly highbrow, the Daily Express. You are absolutely convinced that all the woes of the western world can be squarely blamed on The Islamists and, once the War on Terror succeeds, life will be a basket of fluff, frolic and frivolity once more. Up until that moment comes, you reserve the right to resent all things brown and suspicious that taint this green and pleasant land so.

    Mostly Bs
    You are OLD PICKLER
    Pickled Pensioner :: It’s not that you’re right-wing to the point of intolerance, but as someone who’s lived long enough to know better and become bitter, you come down hard on anyone that pisses you off. If a young lad won’t give up his seat for you on the bus, you’ll crush his balls with your fist. But underneath all that justified rage, there’s a soft, horny side. You’re wise enough to know naughty immigrants won’t just up and leave so if you can’t deport the enemy, sleep with them. You’ve developed a grudging respect for extremists because at least they’re not as pathetic as the apathetic bunch that are young people today. Asians fascinate you because you’ve seen them grow from victims to a feared breed and you want to nail them against a wall. Given a chance, you’d quite relish the chance to take the term ‘fuck Muslims’ literally. Or that rakish young Hindu thug Vikrant, naked and tied to a tree

    Mostly Cs
    You are AMIR
    Pickled Philosopher :: While it’s a fact that those that study too much philosophy either end up finding God or become completely insane, you’re here to prove this theory and everyone else wrong. You’ve experienced the inquisitiveness of Thrasymaschus, entertained the Descartian doubt and reached the conclusions of Archimedes and now exercise the right to be a smug git. The innocence of the left leaves you shaking your head in despair, while the aggression of the right saddens you to see them come so close to the truth yet get led astray so foolishly by their penchant for simple solutions. You come to this website partly because it is in the nature of the Gods to observe the follies of mortals from afar, but the human in you wants to help us all. Like a strict but ultimately noble teacher, you are not prepared to spell out the obvious to those that really should learn how to work it out by themselves, leaving you to sip jasmine tea alone with your copy of Sein und Zeit

    Mostly Ds
    You are BIKHAIR
    Pickled Preacher :: You are defined by your religion and, while you can extend pity towards those that don’t buy into your God, you have no time for those that fail to stand by their beliefs. But a mindless extremist hell-bent on crushing the infidel you are not. You’ve studied your holy book thoroughly and have researched plenty in history, however selectively, to prove that the world would be a better place if everyone else bothered to know what you know. In this day and age, where your people are being subjected to such man-made horrors while your God gently weeps, you have found yourself becoming increasingly intolerant to the perpetrators of this injustice. You’ve laid down the gauntlet: see the light, or burn in hell for eternity. Don’t say you didn’t warn us…

    Mostly Es
    You are KATY
    Pickled Passion :: You put the passion into compassion. You listen to everyone’s point of view and encourage everyone to share theirs, as long as they play nicely. You refuse to define people by race or religion and prefer to see politics as a way to bring people with differing viewpoints together beneath one unified sky where stars and planets and comets and tiny little lost satellites can all live in harmony. No one can accuse you of being fickle about serious affairs, but you strongly believe that beneath every dark suit of armour, there beats a light heart. You go to sleep in peace and fantasise about Kismet Hardy losing his virginity by rogering you, Sonia, Rakhee, Clairwil and all your lovely friends with breasts. Why? Because you care

    Mostly Fs
    You are JAI
    Pickled Pacifist :: You see both sides of the story but will only sit on the fence up until the point the pointy bit starts to become a pain in the arse. On one hand, you have nothing but sympathy; on the other, sheer frustration that those suffering don’t do what it takes to help themselves. You’re the first to stand up for the underdog and crush the bullies with facts and figures, but being a natural diplomat, you’ll refuse to be seen as taking sides. In your world, everyone should be entitled to their beliefs without having to resort to the ‘My God is bigger than yours’ game. It depresses you that you have to bring in your own faith to put some perspective on the twisted religious beliefs that people use to benefit their sick agendas. This is about politics, not religion, goddamit!

    Mostly Fs
    You are NEAL
    Pickled Partitionist :: It’s hard enough being Asian without these sodding Muslims going round blowing things up and making life unbearable for the rest of us. You don’t blame the British for leaving the subcontinent in pieces, but that bloomin’ Jinnah. In your mind, the war between India and Pakistan is anything but over and, were it not for those pesky Pakistanis and their pokey properties and the Bangladeshis and their baltis, Asians in Britain would be regarded much more highly. It angers you that so many British Asians forget that civilisation was invented in India. Already an ardent supporter of the BJP, you often wonder whether it’d be not such a bad idea to join the BNP one of these days

    Mainly Gs
    You are NYRONE
    Pickled Paranoid :: It’s all a big conspiracy. Believe nothing, trust no one, but know this: everything is linked directly to one man – George W Bush – and the Reptile King Ong Bukowski from the planet Kublakhan IV. That’s all anyone needs to know. Beware of the shadows my friends; be very aware. Especially the ones that are shaped like a dark cloaked figure, with one raised hand and, in its fist, a dagger pointing directly to your head. It means to extract everything you know from your brain so it can feed it to its Dark Masters of Terror at 2pm precisely, next Sabbath, at the Dog & Duck pub Peckham Rye. Run while it’s still legal to have legs…

                  Post to

    Filed in: Humour

    40 Comments below   |  

    Reactions: Twitter, blogs

    1. MatGB — on 17th September, 2006 at 12:06 am  

      Hmm. Kismet’s odds of survival in this thread?

      I didn’t laugh, at all, that would be wrong…

    2. Amir — on 17th September, 2006 at 12:26 am  

      Kismet, you’re so fucking funny [**wiping tears from his eyes**]

      But no… you’re not going to survive this thread!! :)

    3. sonia — on 17th September, 2006 at 5:08 am  

      Oh Kismet what brilliance!! as soon as i’ve gotten over my laughing fit i’m going to have to link to this from all corners of my media empire…

    4. Paki अमेय Vikrant — on 17th September, 2006 at 7:05 am  

      Kismet youy bhenchud… i like you when u talk shit.

    5. contrarymary — on 17th September, 2006 at 11:25 am  

      at last someone’s socked it to Jonz and Old Pickler :-) pure genius Kismet. you should become a pyschological profiler of… serial killers/paedophiles/suicide bombers

    6. Inders — on 17th September, 2006 at 1:05 pm  

      Bukowski !

    7. Sid — on 17th September, 2006 at 2:06 pm  

      hee hee!

    8. Bert Preast — on 17th September, 2006 at 3:07 pm  

      Brilliant play by Kismet here. \o/

    9. Clairwil — on 17th September, 2006 at 3:07 pm  

      Tee hee!
      Brilliant stuff!

    10. Jai — on 17th September, 2006 at 3:57 pm  

      Kismet Hardy,

      Absolutely brilliant — thank you very much for including me as “option F”, I’m pleasantly surprised. You’re a superb judge of character.

      The personality quiz you devised on the other thread was outstanding too.

      Thanks again.

    11. Nyrone — on 17th September, 2006 at 4:16 pm  

      Erm…Kismet, I’m guessing that you jotted down these laughable stereotypes in your lunch time thinking you were really witty and smart and then randomly inserted names above them from people you had remembered had recently written posts on PP. That’s the only way I can comprehend this atrocity of an analysis as an explanation for the nonsensical labels you have attached to people you have never met and have no understanding of at all….

      I really don’t know what to say…
      That’s got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever read about myself. It’s perhaps the most erroneous misjudgement of my character I’ve ever seen in textual form.
      Excuse me for wrongly thinking you were in possession of a functioning brain of sorts.
      Better luck locking me in an ideological box next year.

    12. TheFriendlyInfidel — on 17th September, 2006 at 6:21 pm  


      PP is more interesting because of these charactors: Jonz, Chairwomen, Amir, Bikhair, Katy, Jai and Nyrone.

      I don’t understand why you have decided to stereo type and ridicule them all.

      This is called “Biting the hand that feeds”, I hope that they countinue read and post to this blog.

      I wouldn’t.


    13. Vikrant Singh — on 17th September, 2006 at 7:23 pm  


      Pickled Prick: Beneath your veneer of smart alecry, you are an Islamist apologist. You probably worked at a Pizza HuT. Your vocabulary no doubt is result of those ecstacy induced masturbation sessions with Oxford Thesaurus 6th Edition. You might have been a ladies man in your teenage years but since you’ve married that Sylheti cow from back home, you’ve been reduced to wanking at internet porn when kids are asleep. When you are no letcherously eyeing young boys at Brighton Beach, you are thinking of ways to outdo Rohin that blasted Londoner. You are also an animal lover in more ways than one.

    14. Katy Newton — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:05 pm  

      Oh Kismet, you know me so well. Better perhaps than I know myself. One day perhaps we will finally be together, away from the bloody battleground that is the 21st Century British cultural landscape. In the meantime, though, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that if everyone was like me the world would be a fluffier, twinklier sort of place. Thank you. Thank you.

      Oh, hang on, I’m still in self-imposed blogging exile. Bugger. If anyone asks, I wasn’t here.

    15. Kismet Hardy — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:08 pm  

      I’m with you on that one Vikrant (I’ve also claimed Pickled Pervert and Pickled penis for myself). You’re right about everything, save the bit about the wife. But I live in hope (and that Rohin shall die)

      Nyrone, I know. I couldn’t think of anyone. By the time I got to the end, my brain had turned to mush

      TFI, I picked only people strong enough to take it and dish it straight back

      I don’t like to offend people but I see offence has been taken. I could try to justify my stance on stereotyping strangers, but that would make for a crass apology.

    16. Chairwoman — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:19 pm  

      TFI - I wasn’t immortalised in Kismet’s quiz, but thank you for saying PP’s a better place for my contributions

    17. Katy — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:22 pm  

      Kismet, no offence was taken by me. Or Jai. Or Amir.

    18. Kismet Hardy — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:24 pm  

      I know. Still don’t like upsetting people. I can’t do the ‘it’s only a laugh’ thing when I objected to jim davidson doing it. I’m a lot of things, but not a hypocrite. So apology stands

    19. Amir — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:37 pm  

      Jim Davidson’s too left-wing for my liking. :-)

    20. Ghatee Vikrant — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:38 pm  

      You called me a Hindu thug, i called you an Islamist.. we are square.

    21. Ghatee Vikrant — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:43 pm  

      Actually i’m upset with me-being-tied-naked-to-tree-while-OP-ravishes-me part. OP is like thrice my age.. even a sexual sadist like me cant quite picturise the scene!

    22. Kismet Hardy — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:53 pm  

      Fair play Vikrant. I promise to never refer to your religion in jest if you make an effort to stop referring to women as cows (I know I’m a lewd prick that’s always begging for sex, but I never put women down). Maybe we’ll both have learned something from this fickle little game :-)

    23. Ghatee Vikrant — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:56 pm  

      you make an effort to stop referring to women as cows
      Sorry for the cow remark old mate… wives are well… sacred.

    24. Ghatee Vikrant — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:57 pm  

      though girl friends arent…

    25. Ghatee Vikrant — on 17th September, 2006 at 8:58 pm  

      * Vikrant is busy writing animal counterparts of all his ex-girlfriends *

    26. Kismet Hardy — on 17th September, 2006 at 9:04 pm  

      And leave my cow out of this too…

    27. David T — on 17th September, 2006 at 9:35 pm  

      This is a quality blog

    28. Sid — on 17th September, 2006 at 10:22 pm  

      Personally I’d be flattered if KH did a little vignette of me. I’ve written one of him called the Pickled Purpleist, but its got far too many references to his ball sack to be submittable to such polite company.

    29. Clairwil — on 17th September, 2006 at 10:37 pm  

      Well I still think it was funny. Kismet is so funny, so handsome and unmarried *sigh*.

    30. Rakhee — on 18th September, 2006 at 12:32 am  

      Kismet, you’re quite seductive in a sick kinda way. Cannot believe I’ve said that to someone who proposes rogering me. Hmm.

      I have a feeling you’ll become quite a legend in the blogging world.

      Thank you for making me laugh, a lot!

    31. Amir — on 18th September, 2006 at 1:20 am  

      Ms. Clairwil,

      I applaud your condemnation of the anti-Pope riots and the orgy of thuggery that has now exploded across the Middle East. It is distressing, also, to witness this anti-Catholic intifada spill-over onto the streets of London.

      Thank you for your concern,
      Amir :-)

    32. Sahil — on 18th September, 2006 at 9:36 am  

      Great POst Kismet, I came out looking great ;)

    33. Leon — on 18th September, 2006 at 10:23 am  

      This is a quality blog

      Don’t worry normal service will be resumed shortly.

    34. Kismet Hardy — on 18th September, 2006 at 11:34 am  

      That’ll be a pint of P45 for me then… :(

    35. sonia — on 18th September, 2006 at 1:05 pm  

      Don’t worry Kismet, you’re down in Blog History already..

    36. Clairwil — on 19th September, 2006 at 9:27 am  

      Cheers Amir,
      At first I was just annoyed by this story but as events have unfolded, I am utterly furious. The hypocrisy of most of the protesters would be hilarious if the consequences were not so serious. That someone has lost their life over some remarks made by their employer is beyond belief.

    37. justforfun — on 20th September, 2006 at 1:16 pm  

      Kismet - a subject of the Queen yet?

      You’ve been very quite lately - have you been undergoing intensive grooming? After John Reid’s speech today, hide - or your Mum might drag you down to the cop shop.


    38. Old Pickler — on 20th September, 2006 at 8:38 pm  

      That was very, very funny. I love a man who can make me laugh, even if it’s just by showing me his penis.

      you come down hard on anyone that pisses you off

      Almost. I go down on anyone that comes up hard and doesn’t piss the bed. (Wee pensioners can’t be choosers.)

      Hey, was that you the other night? Once you get to my age everyone looks the same. If so, I’ll take my teeth out first next time.

    39. Vikrant — on 20th September, 2006 at 8:58 pm  

      Kismet got yer Maroon passport yet?

    40. Chairwoman — on 20th September, 2006 at 11:33 pm  

      Old Pickler - wonderful!

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