Terrorists also affected by cuts


by Sunny
30th August, 2010 at 9:47 am    

This is meant to be a joke and should be taken in that context. No disrespect intended obviously to victims of terrorists attacks

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway.”

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to Paradise.
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Also: Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims


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  1. Cauldron — on 30th August, 2010 at 10:01 am  

    “there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.”

    As I have long suspected, OBL is clearly a lefty who only thinks about the demand for virgins. Any self-respecting right-wing terrorist would have sought to address the supply side.

  2. Sarah AB — on 30th August, 2010 at 10:31 am  

    It’s even worse than the would be martyrs think – a 25% reduction would take the number down to a measly 54.

  3. Hermes — on 30th August, 2010 at 12:14 pm  

    There is apparently also a shortage of suicide bomb trainers because they can only demonstrate their technique once!

  4. Kismet Hardy — on 30th August, 2010 at 12:20 pm  

    I’d like to be a fly on the wall when the martyr gets his virgins. Oh he’ll have a good time that night, for sure (assuming heaven has no shortage of viagra and lubes)

    Imagine the next morning.

    ‘Do you love me?’ ‘Was I good?’, ‘I wasn’t good enough, was I?’, ‘Why are you cuddling her?’ ‘You think I’m fat don’t you?’ ‘Why is she making your breakfast?’ ‘Get out of bed and do the fucking grouting’

    x 72

    Poor. fucking. bastard.

  5. Kismet Hardy — on 30th August, 2010 at 12:21 pm  

    I’d like to be a fly on the wall when the martyr gets his virgins. Oh he’ll have a good time that night, for sure (assuming heaven has no shortage of viagra and lubes)

    Imagine the next morning.

    ‘Do you love me?’ ‘Was I any good?’, ‘I wasn’t very good was I?’,'Why are you cuddling her?’ ‘You think I’m fat don’t you?’ ‘Why is she making your breakfast?’ ‘Get out of bed and do the fucking grouting’

    x 72

    Poor. fucking. bastard.

  6. David O'Keefe — on 30th August, 2010 at 12:36 pm  

    “Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.”

    Inspired.

  7. Alex — on 30th August, 2010 at 1:22 pm  

    Wasn’t this the gag in one of the Mohammed cartoons?

  8. John — on 31st August, 2010 at 9:24 pm  

    testing 123

  9. Kisan — on 1st September, 2010 at 4:24 pm  

    Terrorists have a special promotion on right now here in the UK:

    “Kill a Qadiyyani and doors to heaven will be open for you”

    Some bearded fellow was handing out brochures advertising this special offer for would be heaven goers in Kingston, Surrey:

    http://www.spittoon.org/archives/7750

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