You Have Two Cows


by Leon
23rd October, 2006 at 2:07 pm    

This is excellent!

You are probably familiar with the “Cows and Governments” piece, where all kinds of governments are compared to one another by using two cows for comparison. Well, this is my take off on this aiming at the Web 2.0 sites and the Internet sphere.
…
Google: You have two cows. One is sponsored and the other is irrelevant.

Life Hacker: You have two cows. You can turn the first cow to a car with this download and the second one is an open source cow.

digg: You have two cows. We have millions that are willing to discuss it.

YouTube: You have two cows. So what, we have 1.65 billion dollars.


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  1. sonia — on 23rd October, 2006 at 3:38 pm  

    it is very funny – i like the bit when you scroll down and they’ve got what wikipedia and del.icio.us have to say!

    moo

  2. sonia — on 23rd October, 2006 at 3:59 pm  

    of course the bit from the original cows and govts piece that really cracks me up is the bit about bureaucracy:

    “BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..”

    chortle chortle,

  3. Leon — on 23rd October, 2006 at 4:19 pm  

    The anarchy and capitalism ones cracked me up:

    ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

    CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

  4. soru — on 23rd October, 2006 at 4:49 pm  

    Respect: You have two cows. You wonder why they are not dancing. You look for someone to blame.

  5. Uncleji Geekmaster General — on 23rd October, 2006 at 4:57 pm  

    See that the problems about posted Geek stuff on a politics blog they just don’t get it.
    You’ll be better off posting at sepia munity
    But what about tucows ?

  6. Leon — on 23rd October, 2006 at 4:58 pm  

    Neo Labour: You have one cow but spin it into being the same value as two (while raising taxes by stealth)

  7. Leon — on 23rd October, 2006 at 4:59 pm  

    See that the problems about posted Geek stuff on a politics blog they just don’t get it.

    Interesting that you say that and you’re the only one to comment and not join the fun. Irony?:P

  8. soru — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:21 pm  

    Cameron Tories: You have two organic cows on 200 acres of land. You claim EU environmental subsidies for the other 9,800 acres of land you own, and go fox hunting on it.

  9. Leon — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:25 pm  

    Pickled Politics: you have two cows, an almighty arguement breaks out about Israel and Palestine, Sunny closes comments in anger.

  10. soru — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:27 pm  

    lib dems: you have two cows. You promise Tesco their milk, McDonalds their beef, and the farmer next door that he can borrow them to impregnate his cows.

  11. soru — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:34 pm  

    SSP: Allegations about you and the two cows are lies spread by the capitalist media.

  12. Uncleji Geekmaster General — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:37 pm  

    “Interesting that you say that and you’re the only one to comment ”
    Oh no I understand it was a just a paper thin pretext for the politics cows.

    Lebanon: you have two cows, one gets saluated by Hezbollah & one gets fried by a Israeli Airstrike. The International Community gives you a mule.

    It that the furious shadow of Sunny looming overhead frizzing ready to smite us

  13. Sid — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:38 pm  

    The Times: You have 2 cows. One’s India knight and the other’s Julie Burchill. OK, one cow and a fat pig.

  14. Jagdeep — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:39 pm  

    You have two cows.

    Hindu Forum complains of disrespect to symbols of Hinduism.

  15. Uncleji Geekmaster General — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:42 pm  

    Sid class !

  16. Leon — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:54 pm  

    Haha @ Jagdeep!:D

  17. Don — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:55 pm  

    The Sun; You have two cows. With enormous udders and the same political views as Murdoch.

  18. Jagdeep — on 23rd October, 2006 at 5:58 pm  

    Harry’s Place:

    +-+-+

    You have two cows.

    Bomb them in order to liberate cows everywhere.

  19. Uncleji the Warlord — on 23rd October, 2006 at 6:06 pm  

    The Sikh Federation

    You have one calf, but with enough publicity you can convince everyone that you have a herd….

  20. bananabrain — on 23rd October, 2006 at 6:26 pm  

    MCB

    you have two cows? we protest at this obvious over-funding of hindu special interests which is obviously islamophobic and the zionists who are no doubt behind the whole cow conspiracy.

    b’shalom

    bananabrain

  21. Jai — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:07 pm  

    Al-Qaeda and its supporters:

    You have two cows living peacefully in a field with lots of sheep, horses and goats.

    You think that your cows are being oppressed by the other animals, and decide to randomly plan landmines all over the field to teach all the non-cows a lesson. Unfortunately this’ll blow up your cows too, but they’re either a) martyred or b) shouldn’t have been living in a non-cow field in the first place.

    This will also avenge the fact that the cows in the neighbouring farm are being turned into beefburgers, and should hopefully force the farmer next door to desist from his tyranny.

  22. Amir — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:21 pm  

    Leon,

    I’d like to make a blogging request – just as any scantily clad bopper or ogreish lager lout would make a musical request to his local DJ. It follows on from this tantalising little douzy over at the Daily Mail:

    We are biased, admit the stars of BBC News

    It’s quite funny; read it. Here’s a brief excerpt from the unmitigated Andrew Marr:

    ‘’The BBC is not impartial or neutral. It’s a publicly funded, urban organisation with an abnormally large number of young people, ethnic minorities and gay people. It has a liberal bias not so much a party-political bias. It is better expressed as a cultural liberal bias’

    Stating the obvious? Yes, I think so. But I’m at a loss as to why no one on the Beeb (or PP for that matter) covered the Observer’s short but instructive article on race-related murder. While Sunny bemoans the unprecedented attention being levied on girls in burqas, he may also wish to consider the shocking statistics on anti-white race crime (if one trundles over to Harry’s Place, you’ll find Sunny’s indignant response to a piece by Marcus on the very same topic.) Double standards? Ooooo… surely not. ;-)

    As a self-proclaimed fan of your newfound contrarianism, I’d be very grateful if you could give us your own take on the BBC’s stark confession. Potentially, it could trigger a lively and provocative discussion, especially when one considers that our own Dear Leader plasters his Web site with BBC paraphernalia (scanning the left-hand side of your screen you should find a cheesy ‘I believe in the BBC’ bumper sticker).

    This, of course, raises a question of considerable importance: why, oh why, should a conservative Christian pay a state-enforced subsidy to an anti-Christian, anti-British media outlet? We shouldn’t. It’s as simple as that. And, to avoid the auto-accusation of knee-jerkishness, I assure everyone that I will never join a Caucasian lobbyist to vent my grievances or draw attention to my “root causes”. ;-)

    Amir

  23. Sunny — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:26 pm  

    Heh, funny contributions everyone! Keep ‘em coming.

  24. Anas — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:33 pm  

    Oh yeah, Amir, the recent coverage of the BNP chemicals case proves your point: at least compared with the delicacy with which Forest Gate and other Islamic terrorist threats stories were handled.

    The bias must also account for the BBC’s pro-Hezbollah stance.

  25. Sid — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:38 pm  

    Amir; you have two cows. One’s gay and the other turns out to be Muslim. Its time to look up ‘vegetarian’ in your copy of The Problems of Philosophy?

  26. Anas — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:39 pm  

    By Amir’s standards, parliament with its abnormally (unrepresentatively) large number of old, white, male and heterosexual members must be biased too. Same with the police too. That’s it I’m not paying my tax anymore!

  27. Anas — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:43 pm  

    Wow, clicking on Sid’s wikipedia link, I scrolled down to find the following quote:

    In extreme cases there can be little doubt of the superiority of one race to another…. It seems on the whole fair to regard negroes as on the average inferior to white men, although for work in the tropics they are indispensable, so that their extermination (apart from questions of humanity) would be highly undesirable.

    Wow, I know he apparently changed his mind later on. But still! Wow, what a dickhead.

  28. Anas — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:44 pm  

    Bertrand Russell that is, not Sid.

  29. Don — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:44 pm  

    ‘the 24 white victims also included those who were Jewish, ‘dark-skinned’ Europeans or gypsies. In addition, seven of those were killed by white attackers, four by black, six by Asian, with seven whose racial background was not identified.

    Police have suggested that some white-on-white killings may be a result of attacks between Scots, English, Irish and Welsh people.’

    I’m not sure about the Welsh, but there certainly is a problem with anti-English violence in Scotland.

    I’m not a statistician, but doesn’t this suggest that all groups have about the same proportion of violent racists?

    However, you are right that there should be real concern over media coverage. That aspect of the Christopher Yates murder was actually covered by PP at the time, as I recall the general concensus was that if the media were trying to be sensitive and avoid inflaming matters they were mistaken and counter productive.

    ‘why, oh why, should a conservative Christian pay a state-enforced subsidy …’

    Fair point. Why should a liberal atheist pay a state enforced subsidy for consevative religious groups?

    Dissestablish the CofE, stop funding faith groups and schools. Then we can talk licence fees. But if it means no more Attenborough, who knows where my outrage could lead?

    By the way, was it Andrew Marr who commented during the last election ‘…if we win…’ referring to Labour?

  30. Don — on 23rd October, 2006 at 7:46 pm  

    Anas,

    Strewth, do you speed read or something?

  31. soru — on 23rd October, 2006 at 8:03 pm  

    Thatcher: you have two cows. You shoot the weedier one, sell the carcass to the highest bidder, and boast of how average milk yields have gone up.

    Major: You have two cows, but are unable to persuade anyone that you have even one. You lose a cow gambling in a european casino.

    Balir: You have two cows. You manage to persuade everyone you have three cows. You milk one cow, eat the second cow, send the other cow to Afghanistan and the last cow to Iraq.

  32. SKye-Vee — on 23rd October, 2006 at 9:19 pm  

    I have no cows. I buy my milk from a shop who takes advantage of farmers, and is allowed to do so by the government that seems to be voted by the people but does not listen to them.

    I want a cow. Its dung would be a solution to these high fuel prices (wait I have no chimney). Then again would it contribute to global warming. Cows are gonna be the death of us apparently. How many trees would I need to plant to offset the methane release. Oh wait tree is CO2.

    I’m confused.

  33. Amir — on 23rd October, 2006 at 9:28 pm  

    Anas,

    (I) ‘By Amir’s standards, parliament with its abnormally (unrepresentatively) large number of old, white, male and heterosexual members must be biased too.’

    An MP owes his or her power and prestige to the fair-minded votes of the British public, and since 96% of the UK is Caucasian, it is only natural that our votes should have a concomitant affect on the legislature’s racial (and cultural and linguistic) composition. The BBC, on the other hand, is an unelected media outlet, subsidised by hard-working tax-payers, and in return is required to provide “fair” and “balanced” coverage and of allotting enough time and energy to the cultural whims and wishes of the British pubic. It fails on both counts.

    (II) ‘But still! Wow, what a dickhead.’ [referring to the Great philosopher and secular humanist Bertrand Russell]

    Takes one to know one I suppose. Though I’d never be so Finkelstein-esque as to describe the guru of analytic philosophy as a ‘dickhead’.

    (III) ‘The bias must also account for the BBC’s pro-Hezbollah stance.’

    Personally, I would not describe the BBC as ‘pro-Hezbollah’ like some of the more hysterical Zionists often do. But neither is it especially sympathetic to the State of Israel or the Zionist movement. Arab countries oppress and kill their own people, and make life a living hell for countless women. Christian Arabs face growing persecution from their Moslem neighbours. Not so much as a squeak from the BBC. Gaza was under illegal Egyptian rule for 20 years and nobody cared about its cramped squalor. The West Bank of the Jordan was illegally occupied by Jordan for nearly 20 years and nobody protested about that either. Sometimes it seems as if the only people who get criticised by the BBC are Israelis. You notice it in their unconscious choice of verbs and nouns, their tone of voice, the selection of pictures and the attitudes to Jewish men and women that you have to watch. For instance, Palestinian and Arab spokesmen tend to be interviewed respectfully and courteously, whereas Israelis are often interrogated fiercely and aggressively.

    (IV) ‘Oh yeah, Amir, the recent coverage of the BNP chemicals case proves your point’

    The chemicals didn’t belong to the BNP – idiot. Nor were they supplied to Robert Cottage or David Jackson by the BNP. What you fail to mention is that there have been comparable cases in recent years (involving Algerian men); but it did not generate the type of State-sponsored panic that Kim Il-Sunny is so desperate to ignite over this case.

    Amir

  34. Average White Bloke — on 23rd October, 2006 at 9:48 pm  

    It’s 1980-88 and you have two cows called Iran and Iraq. You give one military intelligence and the other chemical weapons. You sit back for the next 26 years and watch the Middle East burn. You are the USA and you profit hugely.

  35. soru — on 23rd October, 2006 at 9:50 pm  

    Cows in 20C UK history:

    Chamberlain: you have two cows. Hitler demands one of them, so you give it to him

    Churchill: you have one cow. Hitler demands it, so you trade it to the americans in return for a shotgun.

    Attlee: you have no cows. You promise everyone that if a cow shows up, all will share it.

    Eden: you have two cows. Eisenhower makes you give them back to the people you stole them from.

    Macmillan: you have one cow. You tell everyone they have never had so many cows.

    Douglas-Home: nobody remembers the fact you once had two cows.

    Wilson: you have two cows, until an MI5 plot steals them from you.

    Heath: you have two cows, but only get to milk them 3 days a week.

    Callaghan: you have two cows, but not enough money to pay the farmhands to clean out the cowsheds.

  36. Amir — on 23rd October, 2006 at 10:00 pm  

    The BBC: You have two cows. So be sure to tell the pigs and sheep and dogs and horses that they’re being represented ‘fairly’.

  37. ZinZin — on 23rd October, 2006 at 10:07 pm  

    Two bulls on a ridge overlooking a valley. In the valley there are 30 cows in a field.

    Bull 1 suggests “Shall we run to that field and fuck a few of them cows”

    Bull 2 replies ” No lets walk and fuck ‘em all”

  38. Sunny — on 23rd October, 2006 at 11:12 pm  

    Soru – Heh, is that a good copy-n-paste job or should you be auditioning for Have I Got News For You?

    Amir: State-sponsored panic that Kim Il-Sunny is so desperate to ignite over this case.

    What a hoot! That wins the prize for the funniest joke.

  39. soru — on 23rd October, 2006 at 11:42 pm  

    All my own work. I am available for comedy game shows, sketchwriting, or panto.

  40. Sahil — on 23rd October, 2006 at 11:54 pm  

    Soru, that’s some funny stuff. I dare you to come back with a witty trilogy :)

  41. Clairwil — on 23rd October, 2006 at 11:56 pm  

    ‘Kim Il-Sunny’

    Are you going to tease your hair into a bouffant and start wearing high heels?

    Or are you just going to go nuclear and scare us all half to death?

  42. SKye-Vee — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:31 am  

    Two cows in a field.

    One goes “MOOOOOOO!!!”

    The other goes “Oi you bastard I was gonna say that”.

  43. SKye-Vee — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:32 am  

    Anyone think some of us have gone a bit too far on this one?

  44. soru — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:34 am  

    ok, someone asked for it…

    Brown: you have two cows left to you in a will. You have counted them twenty-seven times, but the bastard is still refusing to pass away.

    Prescott:you have two cows, and you will punch the first soft southern poofta who says you don’t deserve them.

    Straw: you have two sheep, but they are refusing to be sheared.

    Mandelson: you have two cows lent to you by a generous philanthropist.

    Reid: you have two cows, but that is only a provisional estimate. Officials are working on a more accurate figure as we speak.

    Blunkett: you think you have two cows.

  45. Amir — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:44 am  

    His excellence,

    ‘What a hoot! That wins the prize for the funniest joke’

    Thank you velly, velly much Dear Leader! Pwease, pwease don’t report me to the Thought Police at the Bwitish Bwoardcasting Cworporation.

    Me be good now!

    Me be good now!

  46. Sunny — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:50 am  

    Soru that is ace!

    Clairwil – I think the second option sounds more interesting… :evil:

  47. Amir — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:55 am  

    New Labour: You have two cows. All cows are equal, but some cows are more equal than others.

    Prescott: You have two cows. I’ll fuckin’ shag em’ both.

    George Galloway: You have two cows. Hatta al-nasr, hatta al-nasr, hatta al-Cows!!!

  48. Amir — on 24th October, 2006 at 1:07 am  

    George Galloway: You have two cows. May I praise their strength, their courage, and their indefatigability.

    George Galloway: You have cows. I have been to Palestine and they are naming children after cows.

    George Galloway: You have seventy barrels of cow. Not once did I see a barrel of cow.

  49. Amir — on 24th October, 2006 at 1:18 am  

    John Reid: You have two cows… Where!??! Fucking where!!?? Arrest the bastards! Are they terrorist cows? Little bastards!! We need new anti-Cow laws to protect the law-abiding farming public from violent Jicowism.

    John Reid: You have two cows… Who the fuck are they lookin’ at..? Eh? Fuckin cows. Little cowey bastards. I’ve got steel toe caps so watch out ya little cowy bastards.

  50. Amir — on 24th October, 2006 at 1:30 am  

    Buddha: I have two cows. Or do I? If one cow shits in a field, and no one is there to here it, does the shit make a sound? No it does not. We are all cow, since two cows is one cow, and one cow is none at all….*Hummmmmmmm.*

  51. Amir — on 24th October, 2006 at 1:52 am  

    George Galloway (again): You have two cows. May I praise their udders, their hooves, and their indicowability.

  52. Kulvinder — on 24th October, 2006 at 8:14 am  

    Wow, I know he apparently changed his mind later on. But still! Wow, what a dickhead.

    Why? he went down some avenues that turned out to be crap, he changed his mind and everything was ok.

  53. bananabrain — on 24th October, 2006 at 10:16 am  

    i also think it’s rather unfair to judge bertrand russell on the basis of sharing what must have been an almost totally prevalent view at the time. although i cannot accuse bertrand russell of this, if i judged historical figures, thinkers, philosophers and musicians from the last thousand years on the basis of whether they were anti-semites or not, i would be pretty short of people to admire. by the same token, incidentally, just because i happen to agree with ken livingstone about 4x4s, that should not prevent me from regarding him as a loathsome, preening, self-aggrandising, closet bolshevik. which i think brings me to his approach to the cow issue:

    you have two cows: charge anyone living near the field to go into it, refuse to allow anyone to put any more cows in the field and use the money to pay for your own newspaper which is almost entirely made up of toadying coverage of yourself. if anyone asks you any questions, call them a nazi and, if they’re jewish, refuse to apologise. you’ll pick up loads of votes from the “stick it to the zionists” crowd.

    b’shalom

    bananabrain

  54. Leon — on 24th October, 2006 at 10:19 am  

    Some funny contributions, Amir in future please don’t derail perfectly good threads.

  55. soru — on 24th October, 2006 at 10:43 am  

    Reagan: you have two cows. You set up a complicated deal to sell one of them to Iran in return for drugs to trade for weapons for a terrorist group. You then forget you ever owned any cows.

    Bush I: you inherit two cows. You trade them in for a hat, boots and a six-shooter to show everyone you are an authentic Texan cowboy.

    Clinton: that would depend on the meaning of the word ‘have’.

    Bush II: you have two cows. You decide they are gay, so get rid of them both. Even with no cows, your farmhands still end up shovelling as much bullshit as before.

  56. Jai — on 24th October, 2006 at 10:44 am  

    There are two cows in a field, relaxing on a nice summer’s day.

    One of them turns to the other, and says “It’s very warm today, isn’t it ?”

    The other one screams “Holy crap, a talking cow !”

  57. Anas — on 24th October, 2006 at 10:47 am  

    also think it’s rather unfair to judge bertrand russell on the basis of sharing what must have been an almost totally prevalent view at the time.

    I tend to judge old Bertie by higher standards than just anyone else.

    The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible.
    Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals (1929) ch. 5

  58. sonia — on 24th October, 2006 at 11:36 am  

    yep – very funny everyone! :-)

  59. Jagdeep — on 24th October, 2006 at 11:48 am  

    Wow check out Bertrand Russell’s nasty views on race….although it says in the wiki page he later repudiated his earlier views….but still….

    Someone once said something like how only intellectuals can be so stupid and believe certain things….I think it was Orwell. I suppose it’s like the war in Iraq, you had a lot of intelligent people squatting down like idiots for that debacle.

    Anyway….

    +-+-+

    Two cows in a field. Waiting. Waiting to be milked. Or waiting to be taken to the abattoir. But nobody comes. Nothing happens. Nobody comes.

    (Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Cow-oh)

  60. Jai — on 24th October, 2006 at 11:58 am  

    Okay, I have a confession to make about post #56. I was watching late-night repeats of Two and a Half Men last night (one of my favourite shows, as long-term Picklers will know), and the 11-year-old Jake made that joke but using muffins instead of cows.

    Charlie Sheen Zindabad !

  61. Anas — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:16 pm  

    An MP owes his or her power and prestige to the fair-minded votes of the British public, and since 96% of the UK is Caucasian, it is only natural that our votes should have a concomitant affect on the legislature’s racial (and cultural and linguistic) composition.

    I’m glad you have such strong faith in the democratic process. But there is such a thing as a bias within the political parties which affects the mechanism whereby candidates are picked for seats. I mean approx 50% of voters are women, which hasn’t seemed to have found a concomitant effect on the composition of the legislature — neither does it reflect the 4% (according to your figure) that isn’t Caucasian (I think you meant white, but were too polite to say). Plus, you didn’t answer my point about the composition of the police, nor have you considered the composition of the judiciary.

    Takes one to know one I suppose. Though I’d never be so Finkelstein-esque as to describe the guru of analytic philosophy as a ‘dickhead’.

    When Finkelstein is rude it’s usually to people like Dershowitz, Foxman or Ellie Wiesel who utterly deserve it.

    Personally, I would not describe the BBC as ‘pro-Hezbollah’ like some of the more hysterical Zionists often do. But neither is it especially sympathetic to the State of Israel or the Zionist movement….[blah blah blah the usual crap about how everyone is so biased against Israel and how arabs are much worse, etc, etc]. For instance, Palestinian and Arab spokesmen tend to be interviewed respectfully and courteously, whereas Israelis are often interrogated fiercely and aggressively

    Em, OK. BTW, Amir, I’m almost done on my Melanie Philips/Lebanon article, it’ll be up on my blog soon and I’m going to dedicate it to you.

    The chemicals didn’t belong to the BNP – idiot. Nor were they supplied to Robert Cottage or David Jackson by the BNP. What you fail to mention is that there have been comparable cases in recent years (involving Algerian men); but it did not generate the type of State-sponsored panic that Kim Il-Sunny is so desperate to ignite over this case.

    Cottage and Jackson were both BNP members, no?

    It’s interesting that you use a BBC link from three years ago to illustrate your point; I couldn’t find one for the BNP Chemicals case on the site (maybe wasn’t looking hard enough). But there are a number of good comparisons with the BNP case in this current climate, Forest Gate, Abu Izadeen, in which Islamic extremists or alleged Islamist terror threats have been given the sort of panicked coverage you accuse Sunny of trying to whip up.

    Apparently Kant, who is regarded as the foremost Philosopher of the enlightenment had a pretty rum outlook on race too:

    Humanity exists in its greatest perfection in the white race. The yellow Indians have a smaller amount of talent. The Negroes are lower, and the lowest are a part of the American peoples. (Kant, Anthropology from a Pragmatic Point of View)

    So you can be a great philosopher and a dickhead.

    Hactually, you’re right about Bertie. The following quote illustrates that his views were definitely less ethically suspect as he got older:
    “The tragedy of the people of Palestine is that their country was “given” by a foreign power to another people for the creation of a new state. The result was that many hundreds of thousands of innocent people were made permanently homeless. With every new conflict their numbers increased. How much longer is the world willing to endure this spectacle of wanton cruelty? It is abundantly clear that the refugees have every right to the homeland from which they were driven, and the denial of this right is at the heart of the continuing conflict. No people anywhere in the world would accept being expelled en masse from their country; how can anyone require the people of Palestine to accept a punishment which nobody else would tolerate? A permanent just settlement of the refugees in their homeland is an essential ingredient of any genuine settlement in the Middle East”.

    “Message from Bertrand Russell to the International Conference of Parliamentarians in Cairo, February 1970.” Reprinted in The New York Times, Feb. 23, 1970.

  62. sonia — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:16 pm  

    yah well back then a lot of people were taken in by eugenics – in any case at least the man was sensible enough to have a ‘brake’ unlike lots of people who cant ever admit they were wrong!

  63. Leon — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:19 pm  

    PP: you have two cows, one starts a funny thread the other stirs up cows in a nearby field with talk unrelated to the funny thread…:P

  64. Anas — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:20 pm  

    Cottage and Jackson were both BNP members, no?

    Err, at least Jackson was.

  65. sonia — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:20 pm  

    the focus on the ‘race’ rather than ‘group’ when discussing people’s feelings of superiority clouds lots of terrible things i feel. so yeah there’s a lot of focus on when the idea that one race is superior to another. what about all the times when one ‘group’ ( not necessarily a different ‘race’ – in any case, conceptualization of race has changed through the centuries) believes it is superior to another group and that leads to really shitty things? because we haven’t got one nice pithy term for it we don’t focus on that?

  66. sonia — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:20 pm  

    leon – 63 – brilliant ! :-)

  67. soru — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:32 pm  

    Sepia Mutiny: you have two cows. You argue for 327 posts about which of them is brown.

    Gene Expression: You have two cows. You categorise them into 2 breeds, 3 religions, 4 castes, 5 cultural sub-groups, 6 classes and 7 nationalities.

  68. Chairwoman — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:38 pm  

    soru – you’re on a roll!

  69. Jagdeep — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:42 pm  

    You have two cows. One of them is Bertrand Russell. He says the other cow should be put down for being of African bovine origin. Another cow says, you can’t do that, what about the suffering cows of Palestine? The watching humans say, ‘Let’s go for a Big Mac and eat their parents’

  70. Jai — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:44 pm  

    BBC Asian Network: You have two cows. You insist that your cows will take over the entire farm one day and that George W Bush & Tony Blair are to blame for absolutely everything.

    Pickled Politics: You have two cows. Amir writes long dissertations about why one cow is patriotic and the other one is a threat to national security, which turns into an extended slanging match with Farmer Sunny. Anas interjects with posts detailing how the conflict between the cows is linked to Israel and Palestine, Raz interjects with off-topic comments about Indian and Pakistani cows and how both hate each other due to conflicts about the ownership of the fence dividing both farms, but manages to save the day by linking to websites with hot Pakistani women.

    Meanwhile Kismet is in the background doing unspeakably perverted things to both cows.

  71. Jai — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:46 pm  

    Al-Gharabaa/HuT : You have two cows. You turn up with protestors holding placards declaring your loyalty to the farm on the other side of the planet and demanding the head of the farmer for insulting cows everywhere.

    DEATH TO BURGER KING ! DEATH TO THE GREAT SATAN, RONALD MCDONALD !!!

  72. Leon — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:48 pm  

    ROFL! @ Jai #70 :D

  73. Jagdeep — on 24th October, 2006 at 12:48 pm  

    Skye Vee — you joke, but I actually read somewhere that cow flatulence is a recognisable contributor to global warming:

    Cow farts ‘harming the planet’

    So, this is a serious subject you know. Don’t fall for the line that they’re innocents chewing cud. Some serious issues with cows are at steak, I mean, at stake.

  74. soru — on 24th October, 2006 at 1:55 pm  

    Daily Mail: You publish a front-page headline in a 172-point font about how all Muslims are traitors to the great tradition of English beefeating by refusing to eat cows.

    A week later, you publish a note at the bottom of p32 acknowledging the difference between beef and pork.

  75. Kismet Hardy — on 24th October, 2006 at 2:06 pm  

    I’m rather sad I no longer subscribe to the laddish sexist humour that made me tickle my testicles in my youth. The trinny & susannah quips that could be made over the title of this thread…

  76. Anas — on 24th October, 2006 at 2:14 pm  

    Lol. Soru

  77. Sunny — on 24th October, 2006 at 2:24 pm  

    ha ha soru and Jai

  78. sonia — on 24th October, 2006 at 2:50 pm  

    jai i have to agree no. 70 is just superb :-)
    70′s funny too.

    look what talents this thread has unleashed! you guys could become stand-up comedians!

  79. Kulvinder — on 24th October, 2006 at 5:41 pm  

    Kulvinder: You have two cows, why shouldn’t one cow be allowed to eat the other cow?

    Sunny: You have two cows…those two cows can be the basis of my media empire

    Kismet: I have two sexy cows, and they each moo for me every night

    Amir: The black and white patches on the cows is irrelevant they both belong in this field, its the cows in the adjacent field im concerned about

    PETA: Those aren’t cows, they’re people

  80. Jai — on 25th October, 2006 at 10:56 am  

    Thanks for your responses to my jokes, everyone. I thought Soru’s posts were really funny too, especially the one about SM, which is very accurate indeed.

  81. sonia — on 25th October, 2006 at 11:19 am  

    yeah soru that SM one is well funny. someone ought to send it to them

    hah hha

  82. Jai — on 25th October, 2006 at 7:06 pm  

    Okay, I have to write a sequel to Soru’s SM joke. No offence to any Mutineers who may be lurking here, we’re all just kidding around :)

    Sepia Mootiny: You have two cows. Lots of American commenters are going nuts about how “hot” the darker one is. About post #20, someone mentions that the other cow is much lighter brown due to being a typical northern bovine. At which point, another commenter starts screaming abuse about people being “racists”, “misogynists”, and “fascists”. The argument continues for a couple of days. 423 posts later when the discussion has been completely derailed, the moderators quietly close the thread but the maniac isn’t banned.

    Meanwhile, on another thread, some idiot mischievously says that cows are inferior to bulls. Exactly 30 seconds later he is permanently banned from the blog.

    ;)

  83. Don — on 25th October, 2006 at 7:19 pm  

    Deist; You have two cows, therefore God exists.

    Agnostic; You may or may not have two cows, who can say?

    Atheist; Someone tells you you have two cows, but the only evidence is a pile of bullshit.

    Catholic; You have three cows, which are really one, but after fifteen centuries of scholarship it’s two. Because the Pope says so.

    Anglican; You have two cows, but one may be largely metaphorical. Or not. Just show up occasionally. Tea?

    Moslem; You have two cows, but each insists the other isn’t really a cow.

    Sikh; Not all cows are moslems, OK?

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