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  • Pickled Politics personality test


    by Kismet hardy
    15th September, 2006 at 7:15 pm    

    We live in a time where simple terms like ‘leftie’, ‘right-wing’ or ‘woolly liberal’ no longer satisfies our stance.

    Do the current political terms capture where you stand regarding your views on the global war on terror? Has Tony Blair’s Love’s Labour’s Lost left you an apathetic mess or turned you into a leather leotard-clad raging Nazi?

    Is it politically or morally incorrect to make the two-humped beast with Kismet Hardy? Take the Pickled Politics Personality Test to find out what kind of Pickler you are…

    1) A sweaty young, goatee bearded Asian lad in a Public Enemy hoodie sits opposite you on the train. He places his sports bag on his lap and promptly starts muttering. What do you think?

    a) Jesus H Christ we are all going to die. ALL OF US! Dead. Burnt to a crisp. Look at all these poor, sad fools on board this train of doom, destruction and death. Do they not realise WE’RE ALL ABOUT TO DIE?

    b) Kids today. That’s not music he’s listening to, it’s just noise. I have a good mind to put him over my knee and give him a good spanking

    c) Unlike Burali-Forti’s paradox, the appearance of this youth sat before me involves neither ordinals nor cardinals, but relies more on the primitive notion of set as proposed by Bertrand Russell. Although the axioms at play make me question whether Gottlob Frege was right all along…

    d) Have you got what it takes you cowardly young fool? This is your moment of glory. Use it wisely or forever be tortured by the nefarious angels of Jahannum

    e) Ooh he must be hot in that

    f) Look into my eyes; I know it’s not your fault. You are but a victim, but please remember the society that victimises you so is also a victim of the God that deserted it. Don’t you think your attire is courting fear in the hearts of those very people you’re trying to convince that you are not the enemy?

    g) It’s not the Bhagvan Gita he’s reciting that’s for sure

    h) The CIA employ Asians too, you know. Or robots made to look like them perhaps

    2) It’s official! We’re going to war with Iran. What’s your first reaction?

    a) About bloody time! Unless we crush them now, the Horse & Hound poll I read that said 56,007 westerners will perish at the hands of Ahmadinejad’s masked midget militia will obviously come true

    b) Well, what do they expect? If you’re going to be naughty, you have to bend over with your lovely testicles swaying in the wind and take it like a boy

    c) Without wanting to sound as stoic as Leibniz, or as laissez faire as Voltaire, it’s almost impossible not to view this foreordained outcome through the kaleidoscopic eyes of pasquinade

    d) Your patience has paid off; it is time to rise against the serpent army of Iblis. Show the non-believers once and for all that Ezra is not the Son of God

    e) Oh how beastly. All those people on both sides will now die and for what? Why must the helpless play sacrificial prawns to the feuds between merciless leaders? I meant pawn, but I like prawns too

    f) More than the perhaps irrational fear that Iran will use nuclear weapons on anyone that stands in the way, we should ask whether we want to support a country that bans teachers for being too liberal and beats women for wearing nail polish. But the real question here is: If America wants to play strict headmaster to a classroom of bullies, will the long-suffering victims be safe from punishment?

    g) Yet again the responsibility falls on India to sort out another bloody mess

    h) This is simply a smokescreen for the real war they’re about to wage on Saudi Arabia and the Sufis of Kazakhstan

    3) Tony Blair’s leadership is being challenged by Khalid Mahmood. You say:

    a) Can’t talk. Loading shotgun

    b) Is Khalid a Muslim, is he British, a British Asian or a Pakistani-born Islamic British? The problem is young people have too many identities to choose from these days and I’m not sure I want to go to bed with a man that’s bi-curious

    c) An obvious point, but this presents an interesting dilemma that has shades of the story of Odin & the Dulux Dog, where ipso facto becomes the de rigeur to catch one in flagrante delicto during an a capella rendition of Ring-a-ring-a-roses, a pocket full of posies, a-tishoo a-tishoo, we all fall down

    d) The western world breeds poodles and anglicised Muslims are the worst offenders when it comes to toeing the battle lines that mark the fields of Golgotha

    e) The fact that he is Muslim is neither here nor there. I’d like to see his policies and his attitude towards women, children and animals during his trips to schools, strip clubs and bird sanctuaries

    f) On one hand you have the devil, on the other the deep blue sea. On the left there’s a rock, on the right, a hard place. It comes down to picking the lesser of two evils based on the devil you think you know better

    g) If only Shapurji Saklatvala were still involved in British politics

    h) I wish him the very best of luck. He should enjoy life while he can before they break into his home in the dead of night and inject a poison dart into his iris then leave a fake suicide note claiming he was homosexual and wanted to escape the marriage they had arranged for him with a giant sea bass

    A new study by the Ashbey de la Zouch School of Spinning Mules & Power Looms reveals 7 out of 10 Muslims originating from the Mirpur region of Pakistan have never bought a stick of rock from Brighton Beach in the months of July and November. You comment:

    a) It’s as I expected. Multiculturalism is a one-way street, lined with curry houses and bookended by cornershops. They expect us to buy into their chappatis, saris and cheap mobile phones from Forest Gate, but what are they doing to help promote the British Economy? How long before we see the sign ‘Made in Pakistan’ on the Union Jack flag?

    b) I’ve got nothing against Pakistanis per se, but it’s an undeniable fact that they are mostly Muslims and all terrorists are Muslims. If they won’t go to the beach and sunbathe fully nude, revealing their taut muscles and shapely legs and gorgeous hairy bollocks, they should go back to Basra and insert a stick of dynamite up their sweaty, gaping lickable anuses

    c) While I fundamentally agree with the quintessential points of this finding, I must point out that the intrinsic fact of the matter remains that Sunny is unequivocally wrong about everything he said on the matter

    d) When the Catholic Church crushed the Ottoman Empire, where was the Ashbey de la Zouch School of Spinning Mules & Power Looms to survey the Muslim victims of the Habsburg Domain? There are 467 Jewish people in Ashbey de la Zouch, two of whom work as butchers. Coincidence? I think not

    e) I think this survey is flawed. I’d be most interested in seeing the ratio between Muslims buying candyfloss in Blackpool to those investing coins in arcade machine in Bournemouth. Let’s not be so quick to judge

    f) On one hand, we have Muslims who are refusing to buy sticks of rock on a British beach. On the other, there are British soldiers waging war on Muslim sands. But if the former is to deserve our sympathy, they could do well to extend the baton, or rather stick of rock, of friendship to the latter

    g) This would have never happened if they came from Pondicherry, India

    h) Lies. All lies. Funded by George Bush and his army of tiny, one-eyed puffins

    5) What do you think of Kismet Hardy?

    a) A twat with nothing of importance to say to anyone but his ego

    b) Too old for me. Give me that young strapping Vikrant. I’ll buy you condoms little boy

    c) A wise man knows the virtue of being humble before the fool

    d) He will burn in hell in ways more unimaginable than the torment that rages within his Godless soul

    e) A total doll. I want to take him home and dress him up and suckle his cockle and reassure him that he is funnier and more loved than that bastard freakshow Rohin

    f) He can be amusing but should be careful that his ‘I’m wacky, me’ persona does not begin to grate on those who are trying to do something serious here

    g) A non-Hindu

    h) An Eschelon spy, here to gather information about us and send data, through power of thought, straight to the mainframe of the Pentagon. Perhaps he may even be a robot of some sort

    ——————————-

    Post your responses below. Profiles of the personality test will be published tomorrow evening!


                  Post to del.icio.us


    Filed in: Current affairs,Humour






    48 Comments below   |  

    Reactions: Twitter, blogs
    1. DesiPundit » Archives » Personality test

      [...] Kismet hardy urges you to ” take the Pickled Politics Personality Test to find out what kind of Pickler you are. ” Hilarious ! [...]


    2. Bloody Hilarious | The Skeptic الشكاك

      [...] Completely overwhelmed with work these days, pissing my employers off by procrastinating and redesigning this blog twice in about as many weeks while deadlines sail by. No more. While I’m buried under work, have a look at this. I laughed. Lots. [...]




    1. Jagdeep — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:22 pm  

      This is the freakin’ funniest thing I have ever read!

    2. sonia — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:23 pm  

      ha ha brilliant you are clever kismet hardy.

      i’m all e’s :-)

    3. SKye-Vee — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:30 pm  

      Profiles of the personality test will be published tomorrow evening!
      What you aint written them yet?

      I’m a bit one thing some an other. I’m an alphabet soup.
      Does that mean I’m just confused or have no personality?

      Can I have a P please Bob, and a vowel carol.

      I like cake.

    4. Don — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:39 pm  

      b,e,e,e,c

      Except I don’t like prawns.

    5. reed1 — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:43 pm  

      kismet…what is the rationale behind this? What has this to do with a personality test? Why refrencing islam and muslims in this?

    6. अमेय Vikrant — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:47 pm  

      a, a, a, a, h ;) gangsta…

    7. justforfun — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:49 pm  

      aghhhh

      - I just spilt my wiskey and ice.

      Damn you

      Justforfun

    8. अमेय Vikrant — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:50 pm  

      except i dont like prawns

      Thats like saying i dont like sex…

    9. Chairwoman — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:53 pm  

      Congratulations! You’ve just passed your Britishness Citizenship Test!

    10. ContraryMary — on 15th September, 2006 at 7:55 pm  

      truly hilarious. nice work Kismet. when the cat’s away (mr hundal), the mice will play :-)

    11. Old Pickler — on 15th September, 2006 at 8:55 pm  

      Bugger - apart from the anus thing I got all b’s.

      I must be a gay man.

    12. Paki अमेय Vikrant — on 15th September, 2006 at 9:21 pm  

      Bugger - apart from the anus thing I got all b’s.

      5) What do you think of Kismet Hardy?

      a) A twat with nothing of importance to say to anyone but his ego

      b) Too old for me. Give me that young strapping Vikrant. I’ll buy you condoms little boy

      *Faints*

    13. Sahil — on 15th September, 2006 at 9:47 pm  

      This is too funny, BTW all Es, boring ):

    14. Rakhee — on 16th September, 2006 at 12:13 am  

      g, e, f, h, f

      k, i think you’re great.

    15. Sid — on 16th September, 2006 at 1:53 am  

      o bhai, what are you on to be writing this shit? fookin’ marvellous!

    16. Clairwil — on 16th September, 2006 at 2:00 am  

      e, f, h, e, e.

      Do I win a prize?

    17. Katy — on 16th September, 2006 at 9:56 am  

      Kismet, I will miss you desperately during my self-imposed blogging exile. Do not forget me.

      It looks as if I must now go over to the open thread and explain that it is supposed to be non-racist as well. Sheesh.

    18. Amrevis — on 16th September, 2006 at 9:57 am  

      I am sure Sunny will delete this smallish comment from good ol’ me; still I will try posting it.

      ———————————————-

      Kismet Hardy is a smart-alecky, he sure writes like one. But is even trying to make any sense, is he even serious about the subject he is writing on.

      Well, here is my version of what Kismet Hardy’s personality should be like:

      1) He is a an Asian (Probably an India – only a crazy Indian can write something like what has written – I know that for sure because I am a crazy Indian myself)

      2) He has imbibed some real liberal bullshit from the UK College where his hardworking parents sent him to study. He considers himself real intelligent without even realizing that he is only repeating like a parrot what his masters have taught him.

      3) Now that he has a college degree he considers himself too intelligent to do the same kind of hard work like his parents did, so he wastes his time writing scurrilous articles for leftist leaning papers and tries his best to make fun of everyone’s personality (all in an effort to hide the deficiencies in his own personality).

      4) He lives with his parents and mooches on them all the time for money – even though he manages to make some amount of money through his writing.

      5) He is phobic of Islam, but is too big a coward to say it openly; instead he will disguise his feelings in convoluted arguments.

      6) Well, he is light brown, or pale whitish of complexion. He is 5 feet 8 inches tall, he is about 65 Kgs in weight and mostly he prefers to dress in jeans trousers and cotton shirt. He keeps his hair short cropped.

      7) He believes in astrology and when he gets the Sunday paper, he checks out the astrology column first of all. Even his choice of a pseudonym makes it clear that he believes in the astrological mumbo jumbo. Kismet is the Hindi for destiny.

      8) Secretly he likes to visit online porn sites, but to everyone in his circle he tries his best to palm himself off as a spick and span sort of guy.

      9) His political ideology is liberal, but he cannot stand men with strong views, so when voting for political candidates, he votes for the weaker blokes.

      10) And yes he is around 29-35 years of age, he is still unmarried, but he is about to get married. He is waiting for his parents to arrange a bride for him in his native village in Punjab. He does not have a permanent girlfriend but he is a big draw with all the hookers in Central London.

    19. Amrevis — on 16th September, 2006 at 10:04 am  

      Oh in the above post sorry I forgot to add these four points about Mr. Kismet Hardy’s profile:

      His favorite food is makki ki roti and dal makhani. He relishes Chicken tanduri and mutun korma too.

      Also he votes for the labor in election after election because he is frightened that if the Tory’s came to power they would kick him out of the country.

      He wears banian under his cotton shirt and his underwear has stripes.

      He shaves his pubic hair because he likes to be considered neat.

    20. Kismet Hardy — on 16th September, 2006 at 10:22 am  

      Amrevis, my mask hath slipped thanks to you, you meddling little monkey. Everything you just said about me is absolutely true. I’m amazed. But did you have to tell everyone I’m a socially retarded freak that secretly watch porn and pimps my mother? I’ve been trying so hard to keep it from everyone

      But thank you. As a pale-skinned Punjabi Piscean, I am truly honoured. Now I must off to shave my pubes and think of you rimming my tagnuts

    21. अमेय Virkant — on 16th September, 2006 at 11:19 am  

      Ameravis mate you are wide off the mark. KH is a Muslim Bangladeshi 30 something married with kids (whom he sells smack)…

    22. अमेय Virkant — on 16th September, 2006 at 11:25 am  

      not to mention a convicted sex offender

    23. rav — on 16th September, 2006 at 11:36 am  

      For some reason , Iain Dale thinks this is a Lib dem blog. it’s apparently 10th best libdem blog
      http://www.iaindale.com/files/upld-article69pdf?.pdf

    24. Paki अमेय Vikrant — on 16th September, 2006 at 11:42 am  

      Actually i had nominated PP !

    25. Jagdeep — on 16th September, 2006 at 12:09 pm  

      Amrevis, you don’t have a clue what you’re chatting about! Don’t embarass yourself! KH is a genius, even when he chats shit (because even clever people are wrong sometimes) I still wish I could be as funny as him! And he is none of those things you say he is, and you look a little silly.

    26. Amrevis — on 16th September, 2006 at 12:32 pm  

      Kismet Hardy,

      Nowhere in my comment have I said that you pimp your mother. I haven’t because I know for sure that you don’t.

      But I do know for sure that you pimp your mind. You pimp your mind by trying to be all things to all people. In your blog you fail to take a stand. What are you? A communist, a capitalist, a liberal, a conservative, a nihilist, an Islam-baiter, a pro Islam! Worse thing about you is that you try to be all things to all people. This sort of ideological dillydallying is not going to take you anywhere.

      If you take my advice you should not give these leftist terrorists an inch. If you appease these leftist terrorists the next thing you know there will be thousands of toothless bums loitering all around your country, all of them holding out their hands and asking for money while an army of lice crawls out of them, and head straight for your piles infected BUTT.

    27. Parma Violets — on 16th September, 2006 at 12:34 pm  

      I’m sort of conflicted about this - I would actually go to bed with a man who was bi-curious, and there is documentary evidence that George Bush has an army of one-eyed robot puffins. I mean, haven’t any of you people seen the Transformers movie?

    28. Sid — on 16th September, 2006 at 12:55 pm  

      Worrying: One of the contributors of DesiPundit, named Dubukku, displaying all the telltale signs of being another Punjabi, gun-obsessed, goth-loving Super Collumbine Massacre afficianado.

    29. reed1 — on 16th September, 2006 at 1:09 pm  

      Re:Kismet
      I expected Kismet to answer my previous questions, but alas…he shranked away like a frightened snail. Kismet, if your vista, which I suppose is inordinately restricted and seemingly tortured is still as biased, please tune to the sounds of ingenious minds - minds that paint the slabs of the world with colours of objectivity, not subjectivity. You deem this a feat to bruise muslims by squirting well-rehearsed pieces of negativity about islam? If you really wish to tout your ego, please feel free. But do I need to remind you of the dangers you knowingly or unknowingly kiss from a distance if you ridicule the world’s fastest growing religion? The heavens know there’re tons of personality test modules out there. But for the same heavens’ sake, why use islam as a measure or feature? Or are you just selling your ostentatious grits of an acdemecian? If so, please the fair God has enriched millions of muslim intellectuals who can take care of your intellectual superfluity - or shall I call it intellectual prostitution? Please, I covet your response here! Or are you just struggling to see how a muslim will snarl with his wit at you? To whet our whit, we don’t need a whit of your shit, Kismet. If your fears about islam engender a morass for you, it’s a meed of a deed, I’m sure.

    30. soru — on 16th September, 2006 at 2:55 pm  

      poetry or spam?

      you decide…

    31. reed1 — on 16th September, 2006 at 2:58 pm  

      Re:Kismet
      I expected Kismet to answer my previous questions, but alas…he shrank away like a frightened snail. Kismet, if your vista, which I suppose is inordinately restricted and seemingly tortured is still as biased, please tune to the sounds of ingenious minds - minds that paint the slabs of the world with colours of objectivity, not subjectivity.

      You deem this a feat to bruise muslims by squirting well-rehearsed pieces of negativity about islam? If you really wish to tout your ego, please feel free. But do I need to remind you of the dangers you knowingly or unknowingly kiss from a distance if you ridicule the world’s fastest growing religion?

      The heavens know there’re tons of personality test modules out there. But for the same heavens’ sake, why use islam as a measure or feature? Or are you just selling your ostentatious grits of an academecian? If so, please the fair God has enriched millions of muslim intellectuals who can take care of your intellectual superfluity - or shall I call it intellectual prostitution? Please, I covet your response here! Or are you just struggling to see how a muslim will snarl with his wit at you? To whet our wit, we don’t need a whit of your shit, Kismet. If your fears about islam engender a morass for you, it’s a meed of a deed, I’m sure.

    32. reed1 — on 16th September, 2006 at 3:08 pm  

      Soru,
      Give it any label, binding or flinching. But truth needs no galvanising. This isn’t any poetry. It’s a skeletal truth, if anything else. But I treat Kismet, the venally-minded to a banquet of penmanship - this, I discerned, was his precious goal however latent. Let me retire!

    33. sabinaahmed — on 16th September, 2006 at 3:58 pm  

      It is fascinating to get insight into the mind of one of the picklers!I read the pp with monatnous regularity and great interest.Always thought that i was too old/ too dim and too slow to subscribe.But the profile of KH is fascinating and i feel that i want to join in.
      Am worried though that if everyone will have to reveal their personality then am in trouble!
      Anyway Hello to all of you.

    34. Arif — on 16th September, 2006 at 5:39 pm  

      b,e,e,c,c

      Disturbingly similar to Don - Time for us to set up our own party of wooly liberal pretentious old fogeys.

      To Amrevis and reed1, feel free to make up your own political personality tests….. I’m sure we’ll find them equally amusing…. In their own ways.

    35. SP — on 16th September, 2006 at 6:52 pm  

      b, f, e, e, a :p

    36. reed1 — on 16th September, 2006 at 7:38 pm  

      Arif,

      If I had desired to bask in a personality test spree, this isn’t the right clime. Tell your intellectual monarch, Kismet, to employ a speck of savoriness of behaviour at platforms like here.

      The gist is, why islam - and a humbug allusion to the religion with a whim sheathed in such pseudo-personality test? Unless if he gropes to fault this faith, there are numerous personality test modules at no religion’s expense.

      Please, I solicit not, to whomp his purpose, if clean and constructive. But If he’s not bent on pushing forward any ulterior motive, then let him speak to me “who neither beg nor fear (his) favours nor (his) hate.”

    37. Miss Hawahawai — on 16th September, 2006 at 8:44 pm  

      1)
      I) Saviour! They are going to stop looking at me now and I can go back to head banging to nothing

      2)
      I) its official! we’re going to war with Iran (1)
      J) its official! we’re going to war with Iran (2)
      K) its official! we’re going to war with Iran (3)
      L) me aswell?

      3)
      H)

      4)
      I) Asi murpuri kanjooce nahi, magar itha paisa aik meetay danday kay leehay nah baba nah, yeh goray bee bowth pagal hai
      Translation: us mirpuri’s aint tight with us dough, but we ain’t paying so much for a sweet stick
      (topped with some racism)

      5)
      I) don’t know him/her/it, but sounds like he/she/it is probably related to me. Are you khalla shamim’s, husband’s brother Steve’s second son sandeep’s wife’s uncle’s brothers daughters husband’s nephew/niece/pet?

    38. sonia — on 16th September, 2006 at 9:07 pm  

      must be all these ‘woolly liberals’ hanging about that makes ppl think of Lib Dems..ha ha

      Indian Capitalist/Amrevis - you’re outdoing yourself my old friend :-)

    39. sonia — on 16th September, 2006 at 9:10 pm  

      indian capitalist - oh me gosh - i’ve just read your description of Kismet and i’m wondering - is that what you’re like??? :-) im getting really curious here.

      oh yes ..must run to my blog and check what you’ve been saying about me while my back’s been turned..i’ve been hearing rumours while i’ve been off on holiday..

    40. Don — on 16th September, 2006 at 9:19 pm  

      Arif,

      By all means let us set up a party, but it only stays woolly liberal until we get power. Then the masks come off.

    41. sonia — on 16th September, 2006 at 9:42 pm  

      ain’t that the universal truth!

    42. Rakhee — on 16th September, 2006 at 10:02 pm  

      Sonia! good to have you back!

    43. Kismet Hardy — on 17th September, 2006 at 7:54 pm  

      “Tell your intellectual monarch, Kismet”

      I want that grafittied on every toilet wall

      Mark it with a thick marker pen because I will jism all over it

    44. Kismet Hardy — on 19th September, 2006 at 10:21 am  

      I have my British Citizenship test, or as David Blunkett calls it ‘New Citzenship Ceremony’ tomorrow.

      If I pass, fish & chips, scones, clotted cream, jam and tetley for all

      If I fail, well…

      It’s been nice knowing ya kids xX

    45. rdrr — on 24th September, 2006 at 10:56 pm  

      bhagvad gita not bhagvan gita…

    46. Don — on 24th September, 2006 at 11:06 pm  

      Kismet,

      Fuck taking the test, I want you to write it.

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