It’s the weekend all hail the-spider-conqueror thread!


by Katy
26th August, 2006 at 5:28 pm    

Last week I told you that a Very Large Spider had made its presence known, much to the chagrin of the Chairwoman, only to make its escape into the Da Vinci Code-like catacombs beneath Chateau Newton, not to be seen again. Who can tell what varied, exciting, sometimes-tragic-sometimes-comic adventures it might have enjoyed in the gloomy depths beneath sunny Barnet in the last seven days? Not I. All I can tell you is that it suddenly reappeared directly over my head in the sitting room this afternoon.

I have to say that the Chairwoman was not wrong. It really was one of the largest spiders I had ever seen, and this might explain why, when it suddenly lost its grip on the ceiling and descended kamikaze-like towards my head, I screamed, ran out of the room and jumped up and down on the spot in the dining room making squeaky noises instead of tracking its trajectory. By the time I had crept back into the sitting room it had disappeared again.

However, this spider had had enough of living in hiding. It had resolved to fight for freedom no matter what the personal cost. And so it re-emerged fairly swiftly and started heading towards the (closed) window. But by this time I had recovered my equilibrium and had made ready my full range of spider-catching paraphernalia, a martini glass + Mr Men book, which came free with the Times.

(But do not be fooled. This is not a real Mr Men book. It is a rubbishy franchise-y remake of the Mr Men books, a bit like The Producers film, which was marketed as “The film of the award-winning musical”, and this annoyed me so much that it was very difficult to stop myself from taking out a magic marker and adding the words “Which was the musical of the award-winning film!!!” on all the promotional posters. But I digress.)

The point is that I apprehended the spider under the window ledge. And, after about five minutes of trying to work out the logistics of the sliding-the-book-under-and-
carrying-the-glass-to-the-front-door-without-spilling-the-spider- and-giving-the-Chairwoman-an-embollism bit, which no one ever really talks you through, I removed it from the sitting room and released it, physically unscathed if slightly stressed out, in Next Door’s garden.

And so it is a happy ending for me, the Chairwoman, the spider and really everyone involved, apart from Next Door if they are afraid of spiders, but then again if they are afraid of spiders then they should really stop deliberately parking over my driveway. I am looking forward to catching up with lots of people that I haven’t seen for a long long time, and also to finally getting some sleep, and to a shorter week hopefully filled with fewer 15 hour days. What is everyone else up to?


              Post to del.icio.us


Filed in: Current affairs






70 Comments below   |  

Reactions: Twitter, blogs


  1. Don — on 26th August, 2006 at 5:56 pm  

    Was the spider acting suspiciously at all?

  2. Katy — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:01 pm  

    Oh my god yes it was!

    And it was brown too!

    I think I may have released an arachno-terrorist!

  3. Chairwoman — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:01 pm  

    And it had the boxing gloves of terror!

  4. Rakhee — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:11 pm  

    I had the worst spider experience ever last week. half asleep, walked in to my bathroom and there it was. just under my loo. HUGE. I was shaking after getting rid of it. *shudder*

  5. Vikrant — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:16 pm  

    FINALLY… I’ve managed to break-up with my gf…. 3 months and countless advises later.. whew… sweet freedom.

  6. Katy — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:18 pm  

    Vikrant, do you mean that you’re now free and sing-

    *leaps out of way of vast thundering herd of teen lovelies heading in general direction of Vikrant*

  7. Vikrant — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:22 pm  

    *leaps out of way of vast thundering herd of teen lovelies heading in general direction of Vikrant*

    Heh! Katy you flatter me…
    Neeways i’ve had it with the girls inmy town. They are all so dumb and sooooo snobish.

  8. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:24 pm  

    Katy,

    Uh oh! We might have to establish a commision on an increase in arachnophobia. Sunny is gonna write about its ineffectiveness. Old Pimple is going to defend arachnophonia by citing how many babies female spiders are forced to have. She will give her PBUH to the black widows who often take the lives of thier mates as being liberal.

  9. Vikrant — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:24 pm  

    Shit i live in the most shittiest town in whole of England.. I’m bored of this two-storey town… :(

  10. Rakhee — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:25 pm  

    Vikrant, not that you’re generalising or anything..:)

  11. Katy — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:25 pm  

    Rakhee, at least you got rid of it. I had to do an arachnophobia course at London Zoo last year because there was a large spider in the sitting room and a large spider in the bathroom and it had got to the stage where I was just showering at the gym and not opening the sitting room door. Since the course I’ve been much better.

  12. Vikrant — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:25 pm  

    *sobs* *sobs*

  13. Katy — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:26 pm  

    Bikhair, I’ve already started a pressure group. Keep Britain Two-Legged!

  14. Rakhee — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:28 pm  

    Vikrant, cheer up babe, life is all goooood. You’re free and it’s Saturday night.

    Katy, you should have seen the state of me doing it. Nearly had a heart attack.

  15. Katy — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:28 pm  

    Vikrant, once you go to university your intellectual and romantic horizons will expand like… like… like a big expandy thing.

    Or you might just spend a lot of time drinking in the SU. It could go either way.

  16. Vikrant — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:29 pm  

    ( http://www.knowhere.co.uk/3186_goodbad.html ) See the knowhere guide entry on me town…. i have to live in this cesspool of intellectual backwardness :( :*(

  17. Vikrant — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:31 pm  

    You’re free and it’s Saturday night.

    Yeah right.. if i come back home hung over one more time. I daresay, i’ll be on next plane to India.

  18. Vikrant — on 26th August, 2006 at 6:36 pm  

    Bah…. i’ve decided to come up to Hounslow tonite and crash in with mates…

  19. Vikrant — on 26th August, 2006 at 7:00 pm  

    btw b4 i leave (heck i’m gonna miss 7:10 train) i’d like to add the Bikki seems sooo coherent and logical these days… honestly Bikki, did you have a brain transplant or something?

  20. Jai — on 26th August, 2006 at 8:10 pm  

    Katy,

    Re: Your phrase “Beards of Terror”.

    Thanks to the efforts of yours truly, your inspired phrase has now crossed the Atlantic and has just gone global. Take a look at this:

    http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/archives/003727.html#comment82256

    If it ends up on Wikipedia and in the Oxford English Dictionary, you’ll know you’ve finally achieved immortality, madam…..

  21. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 26th August, 2006 at 8:26 pm  

    Vikrant,

    Just to burst your bubble: Viva La Kindgom!!!

  22. Sunny — on 26th August, 2006 at 8:48 pm  

    Hello folks! I was wondering when the next saga of the spiders of terror was coming? Heh. Hell, I have my own stories. My room has turned into an ecosystem of its own :(

  23. Amrit — on 26th August, 2006 at 9:41 pm  

    Long live PP!

  24. Rakhee — on 26th August, 2006 at 10:00 pm  

    Well I have exciting news. I have now entered the wonderful world of wireless communications. You’ll be delighted to know that after three hours on the phone to technical support this morning, I am currently pickling from the comforts of my very own bed on a beautiful new apple mac laptop.

    I know it’s a saturday night and I as I write I’m realising how sad I sound but in my defence, I just got in from dinner and it is cold and dark outside….

    Speaking of which, it surely can’t be end of our summer ;(

  25. Sunny — on 26th August, 2006 at 10:44 pm  

    I wiped my computer over the weekend and it still keeps on crashing. And I forgot to backup my calendar appointments. So if I have a meeting with any of you and I forget, now you know my excuse.

  26. Rakhee — on 26th August, 2006 at 10:58 pm  

    stop downloading porn Sunny and your computer will be fine ;)

  27. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 26th August, 2006 at 11:06 pm  

    Rhakee,

    “Well I have exciting news. I have now entered the wonderful world of wireless communications. You’ll be delighted to know that after three hours on the phone to technical support this morning, I am currently pickling from the comforts of my very own bed on a beautiful new apple mac laptop.

    Me too. How do you like your Mac, I just got it last week and didnt have any problems. It was just out of the box for me. I already had the wireless on my PC. Dam I am so happy I dont have to use that beasty PC anymore. Oh yeah check this out. Its so cute.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc4oP_ITqMc

  28. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 26th August, 2006 at 11:06 pm  

    rhakee,

    are u a girl

  29. Rakhee — on 26th August, 2006 at 11:15 pm  

    Bik,

    Lol, funny clip.

    Didn’t have any probs with the mac itself, it was synching my wireless router which caused me probs as I didn’t have internet connection set up first. It’s much easier if you do as you mentioned above.

    As for the mac – yeah, love it.
    There’s so much more you can do on these things once you know how.

    And yes, feline I am. Definitely blessed to be a species of the better sex ;)

  30. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 26th August, 2006 at 11:21 pm  

    rakhee,

    have u used your photo booth? take a pic and send. if u dont mind me asking how much did u spend.

  31. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 26th August, 2006 at 11:23 pm  

    rakhee,

    one last clip. This will kill you

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZUx9GYqVF8

  32. MatGB — on 27th August, 2006 at 1:33 am  

    My current problem is fruit flies. For years, I’ve been an unhealthy git with a terrible diet.

    Recently, after much nagging, my diet has significantly imrpoved, and I’m eating fruit &c a lot. Especially oranges. Of course, when you’re only eating packaged/frozen food and bread/beans, disposal not really an issue.

    Put the rubbish out Fridayk, had missed doing it last week. Lots of orange peel and even a gone off apple in there. Pick up bin liner, swarm of flies comes out. Oops.

    Now, I need an ethical way of dealing witht he little bastards. I’m thinking of buying a venus fly trap. Any suggestions?

  33. Sunny — on 27th August, 2006 at 4:29 am  

    Bikhair that clip is hilarious!

  34. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 27th August, 2006 at 5:05 am  

    MatGB,

    My sister has been sweating me about leaving dirty dishes in the sink because of those flies but they are beasty, they fly around clean dishes too. You cant do anything about it. Imagine how they feel about you. You gotta cover your fruit. That will reduce thier numbers.

  35. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 27th August, 2006 at 5:12 am  

    Sunny,

    I cant believe you’ll in the UK are sleeping on Dave. Anyway shame on you for laughing at those lazy niggas. Thats my favorite Dave. Ok this is the last one. Promise.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CDJN2NEXi4

  36. Rakhee — on 27th August, 2006 at 10:56 am  

    Bik,

    Have used the photo booth – actually I fell asleep on tee sofa yesterday and my brother woke me up saying my cousin wanted to talk to me on messenger. She’s in Canada and could see me I was doing thanks to that little built-in camera. Very cool. I got the £749 Macbook, my brother got the one at £1,029 – it’s black and has more memory.

    Clips are hilarious. Something tells me you’ll like Chris Rock…

  37. Sid — on 27th August, 2006 at 11:28 am  

    bikhair

    thank you for the vid links. I fell off my chair laughing and hit my head on the wooden floorboards and concussed myself. fucking great.

    wassalam

  38. Rakhee — on 27th August, 2006 at 11:36 am  

    Oh my god Sid – are you ok? Hate to say it but your post just made me laugh more than the clips did…

  39. Vikrant — on 27th August, 2006 at 1:11 pm  

    If it ends up on Wikipedia and in the Oxford English Dictionary, you’ll know you’ve finally achieved immortality, madam…..

    Hmm… since i’m in-house wiki biographer (having already immortalised Mr.Hundal and Mr.Francis on Wikipedia) i beielve its meh domain Jai. Neeways just ot up now… stil have trouble figuring twos froim ones… heck… i dont even knows whats on TV… annoying Takeshi’s castle…. *drops back to sleep*

  40. Jagdeep — on 27th August, 2006 at 1:43 pm  

    YES!!!

    Who remembers this??

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=I4RNIzEMmwk

    Ahhhh….memories of youth….

  41. bikhair aka taqiyyah — on 27th August, 2006 at 3:23 pm  

    rakhee,

    Chris Rock is tight. Anyway how the heck do you use the video so others can see you. You paid a grip for yours. Exactly the same price i paid for mine but i got microsoft word and a nano, that i sold. ah ah ha. I just found some new stuff on it . hee hee hee.

  42. Vikrant — on 27th August, 2006 at 4:12 pm  

    *HONK* Neebody home?

    Neeways saw Karan Johar’s KANK las’ nite. It SUCKED. Darn why do Indians tolerate these melodramatic-liabilities-on-brain-cells …. See great ong’s parody of Karan Johar’s movie and his @$$ l!(k3rs in the industry.

    http://greatbong.net/2006/08/22/kabhi-aage-kabhi-peeche-the-review/

  43. Rakhee — on 27th August, 2006 at 4:25 pm  

    Bik,

    Sounds like you got a good deal. I managed to sweet talk the IT guys at work to install microsoft on to my mac for free. Got 2 year free guarantee as well from John Lewis but you got me on the nano. Good for you.

    For webcam you need to install Mercury Messenger via MSN. Then invite your contact to view your cam. Once they’ve accepted, you’re away.

    Right, off to get ready for a wedding reception.

    Hedge a bet anyone – how many of my aunts will try to set me up with a guy this evening. Bet ya bottom dollar they’ll either be doctors, dentists or accountants *yawn*

    Wish me luck *slaps on huge red bindi, pulls oiled hair back in to tight bun, hikes sari up to ankles to reveal white hush puppy sandals and runs out door with patterned shawl*

  44. Jagdeep — on 27th August, 2006 at 4:26 pm  

    Vikrant

    Watch ‘Omkaara’ – adaptation of Shakespeare’s Othello – set in UP amongst the gangster politicians. Superb acting, directing, photography, visuals – one of the best movies I’ve seen all year, including Hollywood. Saif Ali Khan is superb. Even Kareena Kapoor is good.

    Karan Johar, all his movies are nonsense.

  45. Sunny — on 27th August, 2006 at 4:59 pm  

    Vikrant the fact you wasted your money on a karan johar movie is shame enough. Never ever admit these things in public again. It’s not good for the rep.

  46. Old Pickler — on 27th August, 2006 at 7:06 pm  

    Old Pimple is going to defend arachnophonia by citing how many babies female spiders are forced to have.

    Arachnophonia? Sounding like a spider? Well I would defend it if I knew what a spider sounded like.

  47. sonia — on 27th August, 2006 at 7:49 pm  

    i watched Fanaa last weekend with my sister – goodness! has anyone else seen that – what did they think?

  48. sonia — on 27th August, 2006 at 7:55 pm  

    katy what was the arachnophobia course like? im impressed it didn’t make you worse instead! i can’t even talk about my phobia – if i even mention the insect in question my brain starts turning. my dad who’s a pscyhologist used to tell me i needed to go into one of those aversion therapy things – turned out you had to get up close and personal with the thing – (okay in my book looking at photos is up close and personal!) and i couldn’t handle the thought. my idea is to try my best to avoid the damn things altogether..

  49. Katy Newton — on 27th August, 2006 at 10:38 pm  

    Sonia, you must learn to love the insect that dare not speak its name!

    Go here for details of the friendly spider course. There are no pictures of spiders on that page so don’t be afraid to look at it. The aim of the course is to teach you how to catch spiders and put them out of the house without freaking out.

    The important thing about the course is that they don’t show you pictures of spiders, they warn you if they are about to take you to see spiders, and they don’t make you go anywhere near them if you don’t want to. At any point you can get up and go home. But everyone who did the course with me was fine with spiders by the end of it.

    It is £110 (half price concs) and even though I didn’t qualify for any concs it was the best £110 I ever spent.

  50. Jai — on 28th August, 2006 at 11:21 am  

    Can I just emphatically say that not all spiders are brown and not all brown insects are spiders.

    It is a damning indictment of the guilty parties concerned that the two terms are used interchangeably, with the result that innocent brown non-spiders are dragged into the mess involving brown spiders of a “let’s jump on Katy’s head and scare the hell out of her” jihadi mindset.

    Not all brown spiders are jihadis, by the way. Let’s not hoover up all spiders with the same vacuum cleaner, so to speak.

  51. Katy Newton — on 28th August, 2006 at 12:26 pm  

    Well, I don’t know, Jai. There are those who say that the moderate brown spiders are partly to blame themselves for not tacking their more extreme co-arachnists within their own community.

  52. Chairwoman — on 28th August, 2006 at 12:30 pm  

    Do we have to be particulalrly wary of hairy spiders as they are obviously wearing ‘beards of terror’?

  53. Katy Newton — on 28th August, 2006 at 12:32 pm  

    But I should say that my personal view is that those rogue arachnists who mount these operations should know perfectly well that it is unarachnist behaviour whether other spiders have told them so or not, and that the vast majority of spiders, brown or non-brown, go about their everyday lives in this house with no disruption to my life whatsoever.

    *beams*

  54. Bert Preast — on 28th August, 2006 at 1:45 pm  

    We passed most of the weekend on the beach, so my wife had to give her beard of terror a trim.

  55. Bert Preast — on 28th August, 2006 at 2:06 pm  

    There were spiders legs everywhere.

  56. Vikrant — on 28th August, 2006 at 4:06 pm  

    I’m growing a beard ;)

  57. Katy Newton — on 28th August, 2006 at 6:00 pm  

    Will you post some photos like you did when you got your glasses? :-)

  58. Jai — on 28th August, 2006 at 7:13 pm  

    Re: Jihadi spiders

    Watch out for those “Webs of Terror” ;)

  59. Chairwoman — on 28th August, 2006 at 8:14 pm  

    Jai – they really are webs of terror!

  60. Vikrant — on 28th August, 2006 at 8:39 pm  

    Will you post some photos like you did when you got your glasses?

    Sure, given that i’ve only recently started to sahve it’ll take time!

  61. Angry Vikrant — on 28th August, 2006 at 8:44 pm  

    My parents are the twats of highest order… shit its been about 14 years since they divorced and they still keep their sordid lil’ vendettas. You’d think they’d grow up with time.. but NO. Bah…

  62. Angry-because-Vikrant-is-Angry Katy — on 28th August, 2006 at 9:39 pm  

    Sometimes people have trouble letting go of very old grievances, Grasshopper. It is a fact of life, sadly.

  63. Kismet Hardy — on 29th August, 2006 at 12:17 am  

    Of all the positive things that are said about drugs, really, the one that’s the most useful, I find, is that you don’t hold grudges because you don’t remember

    I mean I remember the time when…

    Um…

    All I know is

    That weren’t no DJ that was hazy cosmic jive

  64. Angry-because-Vikrant-is-Angry Katy — on 29th August, 2006 at 12:54 am  

    Ah, Kismet, words cannot really express how much I have missed you. Have you updated that blog of yours yet?

  65. Katy Newton — on 29th August, 2006 at 12:57 am  

    oops

  66. Leon — on 29th August, 2006 at 9:56 am  

    What is everyone else up to?

    I moved! Took Friday off to pack and moved flat on Saturday, unpacked and settled by Sunday, collapsed on Monday. I’m now back in sunny North London!

  67. Jai — on 29th August, 2006 at 10:33 am  

    =>”What is everyone else up to?”

    Well, as Sunny and no doubt Sonia will know, I got cyberlynched by some fist-shaking neurotic harridan over on SM due to her hallucinogenic paranoia about “colour-obsession”. (Apparently it’s a grave mortal sin to mention that, due to the local climate and the disproportionately north{western} Indian/Pakistani composition of the British Asian community, people here are on average sharper-featured and lighter-skinned than most Indians back in the subcontinent are, even though this is stating a fact and not a declaration of “superiority”).

    This is turning out to be the biggest difference I’m experiencing between Asians here in the UK and those based in North America. Some of those people really do go overboard about the whole “brown” thing and start perceiving all kinds of imaginary demons and agendas. Quite psychotic sometimes.

    I really missed you guys. I’m not joking.

  68. Kismet Hardy — on 29th August, 2006 at 11:16 am  

    Amazingly, this week, I’m moving in to a house away from my mother with, even more amazingly, a lady. Not just a landlady, she lets me touch her breasts. She’s 10 years younger and has just started dabbling in the cloudy world of pipes, pills and, I hope soon, porn.

    Yay for life

  69. Jai — on 29th August, 2006 at 11:33 am  

    Believe it or not, Kismet, I actually missed you too.

    Quirks and certain jihadi-related foibles aside, Asians here in Britain do indeed seem to have created something uniquely positive during the past 30 years.

    I can’t believe I’m finally saying this, but there really is much to be said for British clarity of thought and common sense (most of the time if not always — let’s not mention Malaga for the moment).

    Nope I’m not turning into Winston Churchill or a 21st century version of the Kapoors/Coopers from Goodness Gracious Me. However, for a moment, I think we should all pause and give a round of applause for the down-to-earth majority here in the UK, both Asians and non-Asians alike. Such an atmosphere is not as common or as widespread as we may think, apparently.

  70. Kismet Hardy — on 29th August, 2006 at 12:15 pm  

    Bollocks. I just got dumped. Apparently, it’s a sign of ‘bad social skills’ to rent a house, decorate it with posters and fly-on-the-wall spy camera photographs all over the walls, and not tell her that you’re dating. Women, you can’t live with them. Well, I can’t anyway

    Please forgive me mother

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Pickled Politics © Copyright 2005 - 2010. All rights reserved. Terms and conditions.
With the help of PHP and Wordpress.