Last week I told you that a Very Large Spider had made its presence known, much to the chagrin of the Chairwoman, only to make its escape into the Da Vinci Code-like catacombs beneath Chateau Newton, not to be seen again. Who can tell what varied, exciting, sometimes-tragic-sometimes-comic adventures it might have enjoyed in the gloomy depths beneath sunny Barnet in the last seven days? Not I. All I can tell you is that it suddenly reappeared directly over my head in the sitting room this afternoon.
I have to say that the Chairwoman was not wrong. It really was one of the largest spiders I had ever seen, and this might explain why, when it suddenly lost its grip on the ceiling and descended kamikaze-like towards my head, I screamed, ran out of the room and jumped up and down on the spot in the dining room making squeaky noises instead of tracking its trajectory. By the time I had crept back into the sitting room it had disappeared again.
However, this spider had had enough of living in hiding. It had resolved to fight for freedom no matter what the personal cost. And so it re-emerged fairly swiftly and started heading towards the (closed) window. But by this time I had recovered my equilibrium and had made ready my full range of spider-catching paraphernalia, a martini glass + Mr Men book, which came free with the Times.
(But do not be fooled. This is not a real Mr Men book. It is a rubbishy franchise-y remake of the Mr Men books, a bit like The Producers film, which was marketed as “The film of the award-winning musical”, and this annoyed me so much that it was very difficult to stop myself from taking out a magic marker and adding the words “Which was the musical of the award-winning film!!!” on all the promotional posters. But I digress.)
The point is that I apprehended the spider under the window ledge. And, after about five minutes of trying to work out the logistics of the sliding-the-book-under-and-
carrying-the-glass-to-the-front-door-without-spilling-the-spider- and-giving-the-Chairwoman-an-embollism bit, which no one ever really talks you through, I removed it from the sitting room and released it, physically unscathed if slightly stressed out, in Next Door’s garden.
And so it is a happy ending for me, the Chairwoman, the spider and really everyone involved, apart from Next Door if they are afraid of spiders, but then again if they are afraid of spiders then they should really stop deliberately parking over my driveway. I am looking forward to catching up with lots of people that I haven’t seen for a long long time, and also to finally getting some sleep, and to a shorter week hopefully filled with fewer 15 hour days. What is everyone else up to?
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