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  • It’s the weekend spider invasion thread!

    by Katy
    19th August, 2006 at 12:59 pm    

    The weather has changed: the nights are shorter, the evenings are colder, the desk fan has gone back into the cupboard and long sleeves are no longer unthinkable. Summer is on its way out. What this means is that the Chateau Newton Spider Olympics are once again upon us. Every autumn large, horny male spiders start charging round my house in a desperate bid to find a girlfriend and have ten million spider babies before the mating season ends.

    Normally the spiders start coming in around mid-September but I think they must be confused by the weather change, because this morning I was summoned at 6am to deal with a very large, leggy spider which the Chairwoman had found sitting on her music system. I can only assume that it had mistaken the table for some sort of spider night spot, and was hoping to wow some nice young lady spiders by dancing on the speakers. If so, it was doomed to disappointment, because generally speaking there are no spiders on the table, just a bowl of fruit and a CD player, but maybe it just thought it had arrived early.

    Anyway, by the time I had arrived the spider had gone to ground, which meant picking things up and shaking them, which I don’t like to do because whilst I can deal with spiders I am as not-thrilled about being surprised by a dirty great big arachnid as the next person. In the end it was discovered hiding under a nectarine in the fruit bowl. Efforts to apprehend the eight-legged offender proved fruitless, however: it was too large for conventional spider catching apparatus (glass/postcard), but managed to squidge itself into a corner into which my Pyrex dish would not fit. I did try to explain that I was only intending to give it a lift to the garden, which is generally considered to be a heaving meat market in the arachnoid dating stakes, but in all fairness if a ginger giantess was trying to trap me in a vast glass bowl I probably wouldn’t be listening out for dating tips either.

    Squashing it was out of the question, and in the end I had to let it go. It was last seen high-tailing it towards the radiator and comparative freedom. So I will be spending the weekend on 24 hour spiderwatch, i.e. never too far away from the Pyrex dish. What is everyone else up to?

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    49 Comments below   |  

    Reactions: Twitter, blogs

    1. Chairwoman — on 19th August, 2006 at 1:34 pm  

      As you know, Katy, I’m still sitting here palsied with terror, waiting for the bastard to heave his eight legs into view again!

    2. Vikrant — on 19th August, 2006 at 2:11 pm  

      Hah.. will be comming to London tonite for a Marathi play in West Kensington…

    3. Vikrant — on 19th August, 2006 at 2:18 pm  

      Though i\’m pretty sure i\’m the only Maharashtrian here (heck even i\’m half-half)… still in case any of you guys here are appreciate my boli (Marathi = My Language) come down to Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan, West Kensington tonite…

    4. Kulvinder — on 19th August, 2006 at 2:50 pm  

      Im hoping for some more hot weather :( Its funny you get used to it being hot (even though everyone complains) then when it goes down to ~20C (which isn’t low) it seems very cold. Hopefully either a warm period begining of september and/or an indian summer. When the daddy longlegs invade you know summer is over :(

    5. Chairwoman — on 19th August, 2006 at 3:11 pm  

      Kulvinder - Daddy longlegs are a double threat all those legs and wings too.

    6. Don — on 19th August, 2006 at 3:36 pm  


      Try to keep up with technology.

    7. raz — on 19th August, 2006 at 3:39 pm  

      IT’S RAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      First Pakistani girl to enter bikini contest:


      First Pakistani woman to go into space:

      Oh, and seeing as I promised Sunny some videos last week:

      Hot Pakistani chick dancing:



    8. Kulvinder — on 19th August, 2006 at 3:45 pm  

      …oookay raz :p

      Daddylong legs irritate me but to be honest i can throw a girly fit and dance around like a maniac to stop them coming to me, plus they can be shut out. With spiders im forced to confront them with half a tissue box of paper and ninja reflexes. Its the mid sized bastards, those midsized superman spiders that sprint across the floor/walls/ceilings.

    9. Katy Newton — on 19th August, 2006 at 4:23 pm  

      Raz you must stop corrupting Sunny. He is badly behaved enough as it is with his threads about cunnilingus.

      Don, I have a vacuumy spider catcher but I am always a bit afraid of hurting them with it. Perhaps the bristly thing is the answer.

      Kulvinder, the bigger they are the faster they move. It is terrifying. That one this morning moved like… like… like something very very fast.

    10. Chairwoman — on 19th August, 2006 at 4:26 pm  

      Greyhound Katy, like a sodding greyhound (without the silky cuddly bits)!

    11. Roger — on 19th August, 2006 at 5:31 pm  

      How do you know they are male spiders?
      In many species of spider the male is smaller than the female and in many more species the male is eaten by the female after mating- if they’re lucky. If the female is peckish they’re eaten instead of mating. Some male spiders offer the females something to eat and either mate while the female is busy eating [one track minds, female spiders] or tie up the female and have it away while she struggles to get free. Definitely X-certificate material.

    12. Sid — on 19th August, 2006 at 5:36 pm  

      i love spiders.

    13. Don — on 19th August, 2006 at 5:43 pm  


      Actually during as well. You’d think in return there would be at least some lingerie involved, but nope.

    14. Katy Newton — on 19th August, 2006 at 5:49 pm  

      Aha, Roger. You can tell because male spiders at this time of year have two little short things that look like a tiny pair of extra legs just next to their head, called boxing gloves. They contain semen. The reason they wander around in the open at this time of year, and therefore into the middle of rooms with human beings, is that they are desperate to mate, so they take stupid risks in search of lady spiders.

    15. Katy Newton — on 19th August, 2006 at 5:51 pm  

      Sid - me too, they are so clever. They can spin air bubbles and live underwater. And some of them spin a little net from their silk, and perch on branches holding it in their front legs, waiting for prey to come along so that they can drop it over the prey.

      Spiders are cool.

      I still prefer them not to leap out at me. But they are cool.

    16. Old Pickler — on 19th August, 2006 at 5:56 pm  

      Frightened of spiders? Pah! They wouldn’t hurt a fly.

    17. Katy Newton — on 19th August, 2006 at 6:01 pm  

      Some male spiders offer the females something to eat and either mate while the female is busy eating

      You wouldn’t think a mere insect could understand the female psyche so well, would you?

    18. Katy Newton — on 19th August, 2006 at 6:04 pm  

      Yeah yeah, rookie mistake, they’re not insects, they’re arachnids, okay, okay.

    19. Yakoub/Julaybib — on 19th August, 2006 at 6:32 pm  

      Why did the spider buy a car?
      So he could take it out for a spin!

      What does a spider do when he gets angry?
      He goes up the wall!

      What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
      If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

      Why are spiders good swimmers?
      They have webbed feet!

      How do you spot a modern spider?
      He doesn’t have a web he had a website!

    20. Clairwil — on 19th August, 2006 at 7:14 pm  

      Would you mind posting me a couple of your spiders? I have been invaded by fruit flies for some peculiar reason.

    21. Katy Newton — on 19th August, 2006 at 8:01 pm  

      I am not sure that our spiders are the best available. There has been a bluebottle in the same room as the spider all day and it isn’t so much as limping.

    22. Don — on 19th August, 2006 at 8:49 pm  

      A London spider against Glaswegian fruit flies? They’d have him deep fried in no time.

      Time flies like an arrow.
      Fruit flies like a banana.


    23. arby — on 19th August, 2006 at 8:49 pm  

      Chairwoman, English Daddy Longlegs have wings?! Noooo. If that’s true I will have to start believing all sorts of unnatural things. It would be neat though. The one ‘mericans call Daddy longlegs is really a Harvestman, we don’t call the true Daddy longlegs anything. It’s a spindly fragile cobweb type spider, dead common, but no common name that I am aware of.
      Here’s a handy and fun site, and while spiders aren’t bugs strictly speaking, the site has a bunch of them. I’m still waiting for them to post something about the Eastern Bloodsucking Conenose, count your blessings.
      When spiders fly…

    24. leon — on 19th August, 2006 at 8:50 pm  

      i love spiders.

      Me too! Been wanting to get a pet tarantula but my gf says she wont ever come over to mine if I did…!

    25. Don — on 19th August, 2006 at 9:02 pm  


      Aargh. Apparently it is known as the kissing spider because it likes to take blood from the sleeping victims mouth and lips, taking 20 minutes to fill up.

      Bugger humane catching, that pervert is getting squashed.

    26. Chairwoman — on 19th August, 2006 at 10:12 pm  

      Arby - the correct name for Daddy Long Legs is Crane Fly. It’s the largest fly in the UK and apparently has no purpose whatsoever. We have Harvestmen too, they’re also pretty vile.

    27. Sunny — on 19th August, 2006 at 11:20 pm  

      I have the same problem. Daddy long legs everywhere :(

    28. raz — on 19th August, 2006 at 11:23 pm  


    29. Katy Newton — on 20th August, 2006 at 12:18 am  

      Arby, our daddylonglegs is not a spider. It has six long horrible spindly legs, a long body and wings like a dragonfly’s. We have the spindly-legged spiders you mentioned too but they tend to stay either outside or in places like garages and cellars, and mind their own business.

    30. Sunny — on 20th August, 2006 at 1:21 am  

      Whoops, that was going to be my next comment! Raz is the reason why I love weekend threads (sorry Katy!)

    31. Katy Newton — on 20th August, 2006 at 1:23 am  

      I am not streaming dirty videos just to win a popularity contest with Raz. This is a family website.

      *surreptitiously notes down URLs*

    32. Sunny — on 20th August, 2006 at 1:36 am  

      This a family website? After my screw-up last week? I hope not…

    33. Clairwil — on 20th August, 2006 at 11:12 am  

      Now I think about it. It’s something of a minor miracle that fruit flies are able to survive in Glasgow.

      How awful to be plagued by useless spiders. Perhaps the lady spiders would be more willing if the boys showed of their killing techniques on a couple of bluebottles.

    34. Sunny — on 20th August, 2006 at 1:16 pm  

      Perhaps the lady spiders would be more willing if the boys showed of their killing techniques on a couple of bluebottles.

      Doesn’t this apply only to black widows?? I didn’t think all lady spiders killed the males.

    35. Katy Newton — on 20th August, 2006 at 1:21 pm  

      I don’t think they all do, and it is just as well, because that is not the way to get a bloke to phone afterwards.

    36. Chairwoman — on 20th August, 2006 at 1:31 pm  

      Sunny - Daddy Longlegs everywhere? Goodness, time to get house hermetically sealed again!

    37. Sunny — on 20th August, 2006 at 1:48 pm  

      Today I’m going on a hunt with my vacuum cleaner. It’s time to get brutal :evil:

    38. Sunny — on 20th August, 2006 at 1:49 pm  

      Yakoub, you’re getting as bad as Kismet Hardy!

    39. Don — on 20th August, 2006 at 2:49 pm  

      Apparently,during their lifetime the average person eats eight spiders while asleep. Presumably, the spiders stumble into your mouth after raiding your stash;

    40. Old Pickler — on 20th August, 2006 at 4:35 pm  

      during their lifetime the average person eats eight spiders while asleep.


      I bet some eat loads and most of us don’t eat any.

    41. Chairwoman — on 20th August, 2006 at 4:43 pm  

      Old Pickler - I sincerely hope I’m one of the latter! It still hasn’t been caught and I’m convinced it’s waiting to spring out at me the second I’m alone in the house.

    42. Don — on 20th August, 2006 at 4:49 pm  

      Actually, with a side salad and a decent pinot noir, one of these would make a good main course;

    43. Katy Newton — on 20th August, 2006 at 5:16 pm  

      *hastily prepares all-purpose excuse for avoiding dinner chez Don*

    44. mirax — on 20th August, 2006 at 6:18 pm  

      Spiders? High delicacy of the Khmer Rouge Survival Diet. Most appealing crispy chewy texture and full of health-promoting qualities, esp good for coughs.

      Duh Don, I expected better of you. A can of cold Angor Beer and lots of paper napkins to catch the black, greasy juice, puhleeze. Not wine.

    45. raz — on 20th August, 2006 at 7:12 pm  


    46. Rakhee — on 20th August, 2006 at 8:39 pm  

      Spiders are not as bad as wasps. Wasps are eeevviilll.

      They surround my car throughout the summer and attack me when I try to get in! When I do make it, I can’t see through the screen because of their trails of honey which with wipers can’t remove.

      This part of the year is the worst. It’s getting colder, they don’t like it and take it out on us!

      Bumble bees are bad too but at least they look a bit nicer.

      Wasps are EVIL. EEEVVIIILL.


    47. Old Pickler — on 20th August, 2006 at 9:38 pm  

      Hornets are worse than wasps.

      Bumble bees are harmless and cute, like flying buzzy tabby cats.

      I had a plague of flying ants a few weeks ago. They get everywhere, but they are easy to kill. I got that nippon spray out and felt like Alexander the Great (or Bomber Harris)

    48. Don — on 21st August, 2006 at 12:26 am  

      I must admit, when it comes to infestations of flying beasties, I put my geen concerns on hold and go for the product with ‘Bad Muthafucker’ on the label.

    49. Kismet Hardy — on 21st August, 2006 at 2:10 am  

      I went to beautiful days festival and just hitched a ride home. Despite all the union jack flags in feniton (somewhere near where they make pasties) I didn’t get lynched. Even when I waded through a cornfield. I even went into a Slaughtered Lamb style pub and the snooker ball on the table didn’t stop midway. I kinda figured they’d all fall over themselves to crucify a darkie and a hippy in one fell swoop, but I just got smiles. That’s my happy story for the evening. Now to let the inevitable hell of the comedown slowly twist me.

      PS. I had a beer backstage with The Proclaimers! Hey, did you know the lead singer of Killing Joke was Asian?!

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