perhaps you are confused Ravi, let me clarify: i meant in seeing a polarity between two choices – one, something called ‘arranged’ marriage , and the other, something seeing called ‘love marriage’. plenty of people in real life settle for all sorts of things in between.

Well, from the point of the view of this discussion and the terms used in the subcontinent, the term “love marriage” is used in contrast to “arranged marriage”. I see your point, though.

“and in no. 21, perhaps you see my one-liner to mean i would have the government put a stop to ‘arranged marriages’. what a strange extrapolation “

No, I didn’t extrapolate that. But you clearly said in #21 that you believed that arranged marriages are a problem, and I thought that conflicted with #57. I also note a tone of disapproval of your sister in #49 by calling her the good girl who did everything to please her parents and community. That sort of struck a chord, as I have several siblings and I am the eldest. My two younger siblings have always complained that I am conformist, and indeed they are right. I guess it comes on two things: a) you feel like you need to do the right thing to serve as an example to the younger siblings, and b) your parents are far more strict with the eldest than with the youngest.

I thought that your sister heartily disapproved, which was why I was sorry for you. My mistake.

“You’re up with the lingo. and good points in the rest of your comment.”

Safe, innit.

and

..”something called ‘love marriage’” { take out the ‘seeing’ i don’t know where that came from}

and in no. 21, perhaps you see my one-liner to mean i would have the government put a stop to ‘arranged marriages’. what a strange extrapolation – i would never be in favour of something so strange. in my view that would be talking honestly and openly about the huge negativities ( that i perceive and have gone about at great length here) of having arranged marriages that are all about the family, that i see as the norm in the indian subcontinent. so yes, a critique of the ‘standard’ arranged marriage, is what i am talking about.

“it’s not about opposing ‘arranged’ or ‘love’ marriage – that seems to be such an Indian way of looking at things.”

#21?

“the question is though how does the media/government/voluntary organisations reduce the pressure to conform, without criminalising those marriages which are perfectly legal (i.e. those marriages which have taken place without force or dubious pressure)?”

I am not entirely convinced that marrying someone for the benefit of the family/community is bad by itself, and I would not want the government involved in that (am I becoming a libertarian now???) – several “love” marriages go sour as well.

I am not sure what is the immigration law in regards to marrying someone from abroad. But one solution to minimise this problem is to make it harder for Asians in Britain to find “suitable” partners from the subcontinent. 2nd and 3rd gen are far more exposed to diversity, and more willing to reach out to other communities… and I would think less likely to perpetuate insularity and bigotry to the next generation.

I think maybe that a lot of these controlling attitudes are probably on a sort of ‘half-life’. In the sense that they will be diluted, probably over a few generations. You are clearly not going to pass these ideas onto your kids, and I’d assume that you are not alone in what you say, so the social pressure will, eventually, lessen.

Hopefully.

So don’t feel sorry for me Rumbold! i am one very lucky girl. and i dont give a damn about community pressures, but my family does, so hence my observations.

Very interesting example. I am sorry that some in your family have treated you that way. It is notable that even within families there can be major differences over attitudes to arranged marriages. You are right of course that it is within the ‘community’ itself that change needs to happen; laws will only do so much (more important for government is to keep funding those groups that help victims, and ensure police protection). I suppose that less strong indivduals than yourself might well crack under the pressure and end up with an arranged marriage even if they do not really want one. A sort of semi-forced marriage if you will.

Rishta aunties are presume are matchmaking aunties.

Bit of a ramble for you Rumbold, but perhaps you can see what i’m getting at. (if you need explaining any of the ‘lingo’ pls shout) All these people, feeling embarrassed their family members haven’t been as good and conforming as they themselves have been – not even necessarily because they themselves think its such a terrible thing – but why what will aUNTIE naina say! what will the community say! now i cannot show my face so much!