A forgotten problem
When one thinks of forced marriage in the UK, the image that appears is usually one of an unwilling British Asian girl being forced to marry someone from the subcontinent, often to allow them to enter Britain and work here. The following story reminds us that males can be forced to marry as well:
“The government has agreed to look into funding the UK’s first male-only refuge for victims of forced marriage. It has emerged that 15% of the people who seek help about being forced into wedlock are men or boys. A man taken to Pakistan as a child and forcibly engaged to his five-year-old cousin has called for a men’s refuge. Foreign Office minister Meg Munn said authorities must talk to those affected to “listen to their experiences” and “learn directly from them”. She said: “Generally people expect men to be able to look after themselves, to manage situations, so men subject to domestic violence, men subject to forced marriage are likely to find it much, much more difficult.” She added “there could well be” a need for a male shelter.”
The following example sadly sounds typical:
“Imran Rehman, from Derby, said his family took some extreme measures to get him back in line when he resisted the marriage, explaining that he was abducted and taken to Pakistan. He said a relative shackled his legs together and he was imprisoned for 15 days. Mr Rehman has now urged the government to take action. “What I’m calling on the government to do would be set up a male refuge,” he told BBC 5 Live. “He went on: “There are no male refuges at all for Asian men. We have 165 women’s refuges. What about the men? We know it’s happening, and I have a caseload of 36 men. We definitely require male refuge.”"
In other news, think tank Civitas have published a book on Honour Killings in the UK. I will read it when I get back, so expect a review sometime next week.
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Filed in: 'Honour'-based violence
well said Rumbold, absolutely – its a generational thing, both girls and boys are pressured into marrying someone of parental choice ( usually arbitrated by the dragon-like Momma who is dying to turn into a sour mother-in-law, so yes, it definitely happens to blokes)
Of course its not fashionable to focus on that – that’s the problem, this usual business of oh! men aren’t downtrodden, so let’s ignore this. Or there is a more downtrodden group, so lets focus on them. Issues should be looked at in terms of humans who are suffering, regardless of gender, race or whatever.
But why just this constant focus on the short-term solutions (like focusing on lets have enough band-aid/medicines rather than look at why is the body getting sick) e.g. refuges? By all means suggest ” we need more refuges” but don’t stop there! that’s a much-needed measure, but it is a stop-gap – it isn’t addressing the root of the problem is it? Why do we have this one solution and then move on approach? Because we’re looking for simple things to ‘achieve’? (what are we – economists now – all of us?) The bottom line is that the big problem is not too many people will admit that the problem really lies with parents thinking they can tell/encourage their kids who the ‘right’ person is to marry, and having a good grip on their kids, and not letting them be independent. its the oppressive parent-child relationship that is at the crux of the matter here. As long as that is the status quo, a small no. of people will end up being ‘forced’ and subject to violence. And until that is recognized, not much is changing. Of course the big problem here is that you ain’t going to get too many people admitting/ how much they have had to give up to conform to what momma and poppa want from them, for fear of upsetting “community” or just being too proud whatever – (no one seems to admit this/discuss this outside of the desi circle, whereas within the desi circle this is a BIG! topic of discussion) so therein lies the problem. ooh we dont want ‘our culture’ to look bad business. and then – the mirroring “ooh we can’t blame “theirculture business”.
oh i am so sick and tired of this.
I’ve found this report that has just been released very interesting so far (I’ve only read the first 20 pages so far).
http://www.socialcohesion.co.uk/pdf/CrimesOfTheCommunity.pdf
It is about time that this subject was seen across gender boundaries. The first case I ever saw first hand of forced marriage concerned a male friend of mine who was agressively pushed into marriage with a young girl from back home by his parents. The situation ruined both his and the girl’s life; they were utterly unsuitable for each other on so many levels.
The result was that the girl ended up alone, speaking no English, in a cruddy flat in a northern town, thousands of miles away from her own family, utterly dislocated, when my friend refused to live with her as a husband and lived most of his life with his long term girlfriend. I can’t imagine what that poor girl must have felt like in those circumstances. But I can’t blame him either. He argued, yelled, screamed, it got violent, but his parents conned him into it. What was a trip back to see family, after he thought they had acccepted his position, turned into an imprisonment, marriage and a disastrous state of affairs.
Sometimes I don’t know what goes on in parents’ heads, what they think they are trying to achieve.
They sent me the report over the weekend… I was planning something on that too but didn’t get time. Maybe later tonight.
“usually arbitrated by the dragon-like Momma who is dying to turn into a sour mother-in-law, so yes, it definitely happens to blokes”
Sonia, I couldn’t think of a better description…nail on head…
Did anyone see the channel 4 programme on divorce shariah style…usual criticisms..but the dysfunctional man who called his first wife a “reject” was in a league of his own..men like him are probably being co-erced into marrying women they don’t want to, in order to comply with their communities..the difference being, once married, they can treat their wives like shit.
Re: #3
Very sorry to hear about your friend, Northern. It’s a fairly extreme version of a situation which isn’t that uncommon, although you get different degrees of this, some “better” than others. Of course the situation of your friend’s wife is even worse; what an isolating, frightening scenario for her to be in.
I agree completely. They can be incredibly short-sighted, and do not realise that solving one apparent immediate problem (ie. their kid’s unmarried status) using inappropriate methods and involving an inappropriate spouse creates a series of further problems. So it ends up being one crisis after another, instead of just not making the original mistake in the first place. It’s even worse if the parents subsequently blame their son (and/or his wife) for “not being able to make the relationship work”, instead of actually taking responsibility for their own error; people refusing to make the mental and logical connection between their own actions and the negative consequences which result.
A lot of the time, if the parents concerned were able to think about the issue really clearly and objectively — and frequently this is the case if it involves someone else’s son/daughter rather than their own, in which case objectivity often flies out of the window — they would be able to see exactly where they are going wrong. The problem is that issues of ego, pride, status, paranoia, grudges against their own kids (eg. alleged longstanding “disobedience” or other intergenerational ill-feeling) etc take over and they lose all sense of perspective and proportion. You know what it’s like when all the neuroses really start kicking in.
It tells you something when, for example, threats of “keep this up and we’ll get you married off, that’ll soon straighten you out” are used as a metaphorical sword hanging over the kids’ heads, if you consider that marriage is supposed to be a wonderful gift in life and something to celebrate, rather than some kind of lifelong punishment. This is how twisted it can be.
And that’s before you add factors such as conditioned upbringing by the parents’ own authority figures (their parents and other older relatives), their views on “culture” which must supposedly be adhered to as though it were some kind of inalieable sacred construct, fears (and a lot of assumptions) about what “other people” will say, and so on.
It’s just one whole nasty screwed-up, misguided, dysfunctional mess.
Stubbornness, too. Good God, let’s not forget about all the stubbornness.
Typo, that should obviously be “inalienable”. Believe it or not, I do actually know how to spell.
yes good point sofia.
the thing is that what Momma wants is for son to marry wifey and bring home a slave for her to boss over, (+she’ll be able to do that better ( perpetuate the oppression through the centuries while she is at it!)with meek girl from village back home, rather than some gf of her son’s who might not be ‘suitable’ and gosh! MIGHt be an independent woman with a brain of her own!) and she doesn’t really want her son to treat her too well. What’s important are the appearances, and maintaining the family structure and perpetuating what SHe has been used to, no doubt she has had to go through with her own Dragon mother in law ( and that’s why its so sweet, the thought that finally SHE! can be the oppressor, how dare her little boy – for whom she has SACRIFICed everything! deny her this? This one little thing?)
and the terrible thing is how so many mother-in-laws actively try and get their sons to treat their wives (if they’ve managed to stand up to Momma and marry someone from ‘here’ or sth) ‘like they ought to be treated, these independent girls need bringing down a peg or two, who do they think they are?’ And get between couples. It’s disgusting and i think its high time the Matriarchy realise just cos they had it bad and conformed doesn’t mean WE will carry on doing the same, and so on. It truly amazes me, how these women let their side down. Why my own Mother and khalas are up to these dirty tricks, I tell you, if my mother had had any sons, she would be a Mother-in-Law no. 1. As it is now, she is trying to get me to wait on my husband hand and foot- what is she trying to do? She has clearly been so bloody brainwashed about the role of women when they become wives – it is as if it should be my sole reason to live from now on. (how dehumanizing is that?) oh make sure your husband doesn’t leave you – oh make sure you keep him happy. It makes me so mad i could scream. As if we have been brought into this world for no higher purpose. Sometimes i think that is what my Mother truly believes.
*just returned from a trip to bangladesh you see*
yep good points jai – ->
and
and often what will happen is people will say ‘what do you mean its not ‘working’? what is there to ‘work’? i made my marriage work¬! you think i had it easy? you think marriage is about fun? HA HA! where do you get these ideas?! marriage is hard work! go and work!’
i have to say generally its all a terrible ad for marriage.
but again – the other dimension – the economic one is significant – again. If a young man is involved in the family business, then he’s probably tied to the pursestrings. and that would make a difference. if you have your own job, can be independent enough to move out to your own place, then you’ll be be less likely to be under as much pressure. but let’s face it, just trying to move out of the house would probably generate so much parental blackmail . ‘but i want my bahu to come and live here!’ (otherwise she wont really be my slave will she..!) my own son won’t look after me!hai hai.
i have to say i was Shocked Shocked Shocked to find out the alarmingly high no.s of british asian men who fail to move out of home when they got married. in fact the fact all this is in britain seemed to make it harder in some ways because the parents are seeking extra reassurance that sonny boy hasn’t turned ‘western’ and will turn his back on his family!
It’s basically a lethal combination of arrogance, ignorance and incompetence on the part of the parents.
A lot of false “received wisdom” too; too many ideas, opinions and assumptions based on what essentially amounts to Chinese Whispers-style gossip, hearsay and second-hand information.
This is one of the reasons that, whilst education and earning-power frequently offer an escape route for young Asian women trapped in similar domestic situations, the same isn’t necessarily the case for young Asian men — especially if they’re the eldest/only son — if their parents are sufficiently conservative, blackmailing/manipulating and authoritarian.
Unless he’s lucky enough to have parents who either appreciate the benefits of their adult son having some independence (both before and after he gets married) or if they’re part of those Asians social circles where parents boast about their sons owning their own properties etc. Both varieties of Asian parent do exist, particularly amongst more affluent circles, but even then by no means do all of their peers have a similar mentality.
A matter close to my heart. An ex of mine was forced into a marriage a few years ago under threats of family honour and then his uncle decided to go and have a heart attack. The emotional pressure gradually wore him down and he had no choice, if he was to keep his family intact and return to the UK, but to go ahead with it.
What frustrated me more than anything else was that it was televised on BBC2 under the title “Marrying my cousin” and was meant to celebrate the positives of arranged marriages and marrying within the family. Instead it highlighted how manipulative families can be and that the line between forced and arranged can be blurred. I called the BBC action line after the programme and expressed my outrage but didn’t hear back from them.
He’s still married to her now, leaves the house very early in the morning, doesn’t return till early next morning. He seems to think the answer to his troubles is to remarry, that way he doesn’t have to divorce the first. I never thought I’d hear such a crazy idea from someone like him but after everything he’s been through, I doubt he thinks with a clear head. I have nothing but pity for him but what can you do for someone that doesn’t want to help themselves?
Family Izaat/Honour.. Make it illegal!
I believe there’s a chap working at Karma Nirvana who can advise male victims of forced marriages having been through a similar situation himself. There was an article about him recently in Asiana Magazine (‘Boys Don’t Cry’).
As with female victims, if you have an inkling that things could get hairy on holiday, leave your details (passport number, return dates etc) with the Forced Marriage Unit.
I think the stigma of co-erced or forced marriage for men, may be worse, due to whole macho thing…for want of a better phrase…how could a man be forced into marrying someone they don’t want to etc etc…a bit like domestic violence only highlighting violence against women, not perpertrated by them…
Sofia, that’s one of the reasons why guys don’t openly discuss this sort of thing too much, except when they admit it to their very closest friends.
that’s a really sad story Sam.
Yes the fact that male honour has been cleverly constructed to be very much tied in with ‘responsibility’ and ‘looking after the family’ etc. means that it gets complicated when someone wants to stand up to it. one the one hand there is pressure put on by the parents and family to be a ‘man’ and look after them, and the impression is given to ‘run away’ would be unmanly, and then on the other side, there is the ‘how can a man be ‘pressured’ and not do what hewants. competing social pressures, both with differing notions of what it means to be a strong man.
I tell you, im often very glad im not a bloke, the poor things don’t have it easy.
Why on earth are these people living here for since they appear to be still living mentally from the societies they came from. Wouldn’t they all be better off there? I don’t know why we tolerate this totally unBritish behavious.