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    The Desi gay dilemma

    by Sunny on 17th September, 2007 at 4:59 am    

    The Guardian has a must-read article today on a middle-aged Asian lesbian who, wanting a child, decides to form a relationship with a gay Asian man. She wants to know whether starting a family, and going through some sort of a marriage (with blessings from parents who know they are homosexual), is betraying her sexuality.

    That is of course up for debate. Surely a person’s sexuality should not dictate their lifestyle, whether they want to be a rebel or go along with more society’s norms? Anyway, that aside, I think the article is quite interesting and sweet in itself. We don’t hear about about gay desis.

    Print this page and comments   |     |   Add to del.icio.us   |   Share on Facebook   |   Filed in: Sex equality

    16 Comments below   |  

    1. douglas clark — on 17th September, 2007 at 8:39 am  

      Correct me if I am wrong, but is semen not available without sex? This is some crazy mixed up chick, I think.

    2. Rumbold — on 17th September, 2007 at 9:59 am  

      “She wants to know whether starting a family, and going through some sort of a marriage (with blessings from parents who know they are homosexual), is betraying her sexuality.”

      Hardly. She is doing what she has to live a normal life (i.e. free from opprobrium). Both parties are consenting adults, and they can get up to what they want to without betraying the other person. This is a great idea. They can be good parents as well without necessary having a sexual relationship with one another.

    3. George — on 17th September, 2007 at 10:45 am  

      the woman concerned is taking calls on the BBC Asian network now. If you’ve missed you can click on the listen again icon and go to between 10 and 11.


    4. George — on 17th September, 2007 at 10:46 am  

      and this is the website you can listen on

    5. sonia — on 17th September, 2007 at 10:48 am  

      i would have thought that largely is to do with wider societal approval. not marrying is one thing, if you don’t get married and try and have a kid on your
      own..in the desi community..that’s will rouse some major comment. (one may as well then probably just come out openly and defy everyone by having a baby with your lesbian lover, aunties would find both worthy of many gossip sessions over iftar or whathave you)

      there was much discussion on homosexuality in certain communities when this was covered over at Achelois’ blog - mostly from an Islamic perspective - but it is interesting to explore the issues of arranged marriages when one or both partners aren’t heterosexual.

    6. sonia — on 17th September, 2007 at 10:49 am  

      good point rumbold

    7. AsifB — on 17th September, 2007 at 12:47 pm  

      Well good luck to her. I think her situation is not unusual among gay women actaully.

      As her parents are dead and siblings know, I fear she may not be typical of closeted desi gays though

      Over the years I’ve known four ‘desi’ people (both male and female, gay and straight) in four different family arranged ‘marriages of inconvenience’ - where one spouse was secretly gay and the other felt unable to do anything but tolerate the infidelity - because of fear of “the family’s reaction”.

      Not surpisingly none of these people is still married -but they were all including the straight male, victims of ‘desi homophobia/lack of openess’.

    8. Rumbold — on 17th September, 2007 at 1:01 pm  

      Sonia (#6)- Thanks for the link. I remembered reading through that discussion but could not remember from which site it came.

    9. Sid — on 17th September, 2007 at 2:19 pm  

      As the old standard goes, ‘there may be trouble ahead’. But that’s the case with boring old hetero marriages as well. At least they want to build a loving relationship for their children. It’s all good.

    10. Jagdeep — on 17th September, 2007 at 3:35 pm  

      I can already see the movie, funded by Channel 4, being made about this story.

    11. Jagdeep — on 17th September, 2007 at 3:38 pm  

      With loads of failed actors from Casualty and the Bill, with at least a couple of ‘ironic’ Bollywood dance sequences, and loads of saucy comedy and stuff. Someone write this script fast Channel 4 is dying for this shizz.

    12. justforfun — on 17th September, 2007 at 3:45 pm  

      Jagdeep - its your chance - also include unflattering parts based on all your in laws that you don’t like>


    13. Jagdeep — on 17th September, 2007 at 3:57 pm  

      I love my in-laws justy.

      I have cousin in London who’s gay I’m going to tell him to fix up with a brown lesbian next time I see him, anything for a booze up.

    14. Kismet Hardy — on 18th September, 2007 at 2:52 pm  

      As someone following the classified & matrimonial sections in Eastern Eye closely for many years, I’ve always looked upon the ‘Asian gay seeks Asian gay for marriage’ as the best way round staying in the closet in fear of community and still having happiness and getting laid.

      That’s always been a much more upfront way to handle the situation than the cowards that go through a marriage and ruin not only their own chances of happiness, but the lives of the poor wife/husband

      So yay to gays and lesbians of the Asian world uniting and making (artificially inseminated) babies


    15. A councillor writes — on 18th September, 2007 at 4:03 pm  

      Gay desis are getting more confident as the years go on. There is a regular gay desi night every week in one of the clubs in my city and very popular it is too, that’s grown from once every six weeks or so about five years ago.

      There was a time when you’d only find gay desi men in sex-on-premises venues, then there was the period where many of them seemed to only feel happy with a white partner, but now I often see gay desi couples out on the scene and notice more and more desi boy looking for desi boy ads on the one gay “dating service” I still occasionally log onto.

      I know a few of those relationships that Kismet mentions in 14 and they really seem to work quite well, although for someone who has been out and reasonably proud since I was 18, it took a while to get my head around around them.

    16. gay — on 19th September, 2007 at 7:12 am  


      Good to know ……

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