Andrew Lansley: Due to the financial mess inherited from the previous Labour government, we have had to reduce spending on the NHS. However, don’t despair, as this has enabled us to outsource many essential tasks to private providers. Gone are the boring standard maternity wards, replaced by stables with mangers in them.
George Osborne: The three wise men did bring expensive items into this country it’s true. But since they were only visiting for forty days, they are classed as non-domiciled; given that they earnt the money for these items elsewhere they won’t be taxed on them. The fact that these three businessmen recently donated gold, frankincense and myrrh to the Conservative party is neither here nor there.
Nick Clegg: We had to form an agreement with the Roman Empire. Judea wasn’t a viable state in this world. Now thanks to our agreement, we can get wine from Gaul and slaves from the Rhine. Isn’t that what all our people want?
Iain Duncan Smith: Baby Jesus has a very rich, absent father. The idea that he should receive taxpayer-funded child benefit is wrong. Mary needs to take responsibility for her actions too.
Vince Cable: I am going to teach those Pharisees a lesson if they want to expand their temple. It’s war. Hang on, you are not random members of the public are you? I see that parchment in your hands! You are scribes!
Ed Davey: I hate working with Augustus and the Roman empire. It was much better when it was just King Herod and the other Jews. I don’t mind taking his sesterii though.
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